December 10, 2009

MTV: Jersey Shore Episode Three | Zlata's Thoughts

Ok so here we are - the third episode of MTV's Jersey Shore, one of the most talked about television shows on the air right now. I will be just spitting out my thoughts as they come out, just so you get a sense of "how to read." LET'S DO THIS MOTHER...

"She won't even remember her boyfriend's name when she gets done with me"

Another fucking girl who blames alcohol for not remembering hooking up. I mean, it's so transparent. I stopped using that excuse when I was like, 23. Get a fucking clue. "She just doesn't want to feel like a trashbag...She kissed me with her tongue," said Pauly D.

Sammi knows things are going to be awkward with her and The Situation at the store. By the way she really needs to stop calling him "The Situation." Like, it's funny as a nickname, but there's no way in hell I'd call my friend "The Situation" instead of their actual name, like all the time. The Situation plays like he's so over it and his ego wasn't completely shot down when Sammi went for Ronnie.
He makes complete and total coherent sense [insert sarcasm here] when he says: "I'm really not jealous of Sam and Ronnie bc I had my choice and it's no sweat off my back cuz she wanted me first and I could pretty much have my choice of anyone down here." Um, was that English?
I really thought "The Situation" had some fucking balls, I gotta say. In actuality, he's just like a little bitch. This girl completely made him feel like an inch tall last episode and today he's all "You look very pretty. no really, you look pretty. Seriously, you look really pretty today." WE GET IT, STOP SAYING IT 100 TIMES.

But honestly men, I don't get it. I could NEVER act like this girl. I would feel SO bad and SO guilty for doing such a thing after I showed you that I had feelings for you - that I would apologize 100 times and you would tell me to fuck off. Meanwhile, this fucking broad acts like a whore player and The Situation is STILL into her??? So basically men like fucking douchebag girls just as much as women like douchebag guys. And you know what it comes down to? GAMES. Stop playing fucking games.

I digress. Snooks!!! Everyone girl has Coach accessories. Like, that brand isn't cool. You're trash. THEN, she's all sexually eating a pickle like she doesn't know we know she's trying to eat it sexually -- all while wearing a trucker hat that says "Porn Star in Training" REALLY?!? (But really, that's how I like to eat a pickle, too.)

Ronnie is into Sammi even though he's the one with the opening quote that says, "Never ever ever ever fall in love down at the Jersey Shore." Meanwhile, he has no reason to hate on The Situation unless of course he's intimidated, which is clearly the case when he tells Sammi "I dunno, be with that creep?" when answering her "What would I do without you?" DOES ANY OF THIS MAKE SENSE TO YOU LIKE IT DOES TO ME AS I'M TYPING? LIKE I may or may not be sober. Moving on, The Situation is jealous and it's so obvious and I actually now hate him for not being a "man" and digging on this bitch.
I do feel bad for him, though.

JWoww is Ronnie's go-to girl and he just divulges his feelings to her for a woman's opinion. And SAMMI is the one trying to see if RONNIE is into HER? Like, it's the thrill of the chase for her, she's the one feeling insecure right now. ARE THESE PEOPLE ON DRUGS? OR AM I? You know what it is, people? It's not even about SAMMI anymore. These guys just need to be the one who WINS. You guys need a freaking ego adjustment. I really am so fucking mad right now.

Thoughts on the ladies so far:
Snooki: You need a LOT of attention and I wish you received more love from your parents
Sammi: You are so fake. You have SO much growing up to do. You need to be a LADY.
JWoww: I haven't figured you out yet.

JWoww's boyfriend Tommy is coming with some friends and she's going to tell her boyfriend about the kiss with Pauly D. That's quite honorable. Then, Tommy shows up in a silver Escalade and a dozen long stem roses and she decides she's gonna just wait it out.
As soon as Ronnie sees Tommy's friend, he figures he now has a new best friend because they're both of equal mass proportions. I mean, really PEOPLE?!

Pauly D's got some thoughts on Tommy: "Seems like a cool guy, but if JWoww was my girl, I would break up with her in a second. She shouldn't be out there lifting up her shirt..." - like, her boyfriend doesn't KNOW this all happened.

Angelina "Jolie" needs to get a clue. Her friends come to visit and she doesn't forget to throw Elena under the bus with a "her boyfriend just broke up with her" comment. She agrees to meet her boyfriend at Headliner's, where the whole Jersey Shore group will be meeting up with Ryan Sullivan from Fair Lawn, NJ. I kid, I kid.

At Headliner's, Angelina's boyfriend show's up and like a smart dude he says, "I have a bad feeling about this." You know when you just FEEL it in your gut? So Snooki introduces some of the crew to her friend Mike, with whom she's hooked up before. (Honestly, when she talks about hooking up with guys, I feel more embarrassed for the guy who's hooked up with her. Like, that couldn't have been a proud moment in their life.)

Angelina's boyfriend is actually a married man! Revelation! Anyway, they break up yadda yadda yadda. I'm still not sure why - he tells her not to call him. It's over. She runs after him yelling "I've been over it for weeks!" Like, what is this? She leaves the club and wants to be alone but Mike is calling Jolie and she doesn't want to talk to him and Ronnie is in this middle man drama of passing the phone. Poor Ronnie.

I'm not even addressing JWoww and Tommy's conversation in the bedroom. I'm not. Like, I'M ABOUT TO BUG OUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA. Like, Tommy - you HAVE to know something is up. If someone said that to ME, being the smart person I am - would automatically KNOW I was getting cheated on. Her response immediately should have been, "Babe, I'd never do anything like that - shut up." -- but instead, she had a guilty conscience. I would have SENSED that shit.

Angelina bails at work and she's gonna get in troubbbbbble. She shows up pretty late and she gets yelled at and she's just being a rude spoiled little bitchy brat face. It was common courtesty for her to GET UP AND WALK THERE?!?! Get a clue. Danny shows up at HIS house (lest we forget it's his) as her boss. He doesn't want to talk in a bathroom since he's not 15. I get it. She has MAJOR issues. I actually get enraged with people like that. I would have walked right into that bathroom and punched her out. Truth. I would have bashed her head against the wall. I HATE people like that.

So Angelina is leaving. She's playing the "too cool" card, but she's really just insecure. Honestly, this whole scene of her bidding adieu is painful to watch. No one hugged her goodbye or anything. No one is going to miss her. I seriously don't think she is leaving bc of her boyfriend. I think she's just not "the shit" in this house and she can't handle it. So she leaves.

Mike "The Situation" is very wise, I must say. Perceptive is a better word.

JWoww told Tommy and he hangs up on her. She goes to confessional and says that she may be single. If she is, watch out because her true side is gonna come out."Ugly, dirty, filthy side." I'm glad that's your "true" side you trashbag. Honestly, she looks and talks like she's on crystal meth. I hardly understand half of what comes out of her mouth. It's like watching an episode of Intervention.

Snooks and Ryder go out "to the bar" and they're partying and being loose on the dance floor. THERE IS NO ONE THERE BUT OLDER MEN - BUT LIKE, three of them. And they are going WILD on the dance floor. Like, griding each other Does this make sense to anyone? She says "I got a fucking hot tub. Just come home tonight." Is Snookie onto girl on girl nookie?!?!?

The Situation is being salty about THEE situation, but I really think it's justified to be honest. He likes Sammi. Sammi showed him that she liked him back -- and then she goes off with Ronnie and now the two of those idiots are going miniature golfing? Like, you're gay. So then Snooks comes back with Ryder, who obviously The Situation is going to want to bone since the girl he REALLY likes tested his manhood. Ryder looks crack whorey too - and is in an outfit complete with patent leather black high tops with short white shorts.

Why did MTV catch Sammi put her birth control in her bag? Mind you, your CHANEL bag is a complete fake because you also own a Coach purse. Enough said. Actually Mike The Situation, I just lost full on respect for you. Fully. You're so jealous and it's so obvious to all of the viewers.
Ronnie says that what he has with Sammi is "real." Right, about as real as Pamela Anderson's boobs.

Why does hot tub equal sex? She admits she's making out with Ryder because all the guys like that. I'm just grossed out. Really. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY TIMES I'VE HAD TO PAUSE THIS SHOW TO WRITE MY THOUGHTS. Snookie OBVIOUSLY wanted to make out with Mike - and REALLY wanted Mike to WANT to make out with her. But instead, she just takes his face and starts kissing him and he didn't refuse. AGAIN - low point in this man's life.
Direct quote from Snookie "Mike could be a nice guy. Like he shows off his nice side and he shows off his jerkoff side. And that's what I like. A good guy. And a jerkoff. There all in the same."

Sammi and Ronnie are in the guest room and listened to soft love music while talking about how much they like each other. They start going at it and she said "sorry mom" because obviously her mom is watching this right now mortified. Ronnie says, "I know I said don't shit where you eat, but for her I'd roll around in my shit all day for her." NICE ONE. I want to meet a guy who would roll around in his own shit for me one day. I mean, ARE WE SERIOUS PEOPLE!?

Chef Mike is doing his thing in the kitchen and in the grill apparently because as Missy Elliott said, YO IT'S ON FIIIIRE" Pointless scene.

They all go out to the clubs and JWoww is dancing like a maniac with all the guys because now she's "single." And Ronnie is like a modern day Romeo with his line to Sammi: "Honestly, I thought the Jersey Shore was was the best thing to happen to me, but YOU are. YOU are."

Vinny pulls Ronnie on the dance floor. That man busts moves like he's having seizures -- my favorite type of dancing. So INNOCENTLY Ronnie is dancing with some busted blonde chick and Sammi starts talking to her "cop friend" because she doesnt' want to get "played out" -- like, TRUST YOUR MAN. If this shit was REAL as you guys claim, then you wouldn't CARE if he was dancing with someone else. . . like why are you so JEALOUS??? So then JWoww tells Ronnie he's gotta "check his girl" and causes the next phase of drama. Ronnie doesn't want to be with anyone like that. Cut to The Situation making out with probably that same blonde chick, and Ronnie just walking out and falling on his bed. HOW DOES SAMMI MAKE THESE GUYS WANT HER SO BAD?

JWoww doesn't want Ronnie to be alone because she feels bad. LIAR. My shit is on pause right now and I already know you have an alterior motive. You told Ronnie because YOU like Ronnie and you're going home because Ronnie is home ALONE and you are SINGLE and "ohhh man, watch out when I'm single!!" What happened to yesterday when you WERENT single and you changed in the same bathroom as Ronnie? You don't think your then-boyfriend would have minded THAT? You make me sick.

Un-pause. Sammi hears that Ronnie went home with JWoww and she's ready to "knock a bitch out." Scenes for upcoming episodes look pretty intense. Pretty, pretty, pretty intense.

I am just posting this. I have no more patience for today with these people. I can't believe they exist.

THOUGHTS?!?