July 21, 2015

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention

You people made me laugh:

Great thing about conference calls from hotel rooms: you don't *have* to wear pants.

It's amazing to me how you can keep posting pictures of your filthy house with zero shame!! I can't be the only one who ALWAYS looks in the background and checks out the room!! At least crop it or try and push some of that shit out of the way before you take the picture...

My favorite thing about Britney Spears's leaked grocery list is that it's impossible to guess if "Capris" refers to cigarettes or Suns.

the longer I live on this planet, the more and more I wish there was a required IQ test in order to reproduce

Don't wait people! Amazon prime deals are out of control! Can't wait to get my new wrist splint ... 😐

At an event.. "What's not sweet?" A steak. I sell cupcakes. Go away.

The city smells like if you took all the trash in New York, put it in a bag, lit it on fire, and put it at Jesus's doorstep.

Kassia Graham feeling irritated

Why is Carson Daly on TV so early in the morning, or at all?

Oh, you emailed my boss to complain because I didn't respond to your email quickly enough?
How does being dead to me feel exactly?

Up early for a busy day ahead...Starbucks doesn't open till' 6am though. Who do I need to talk to about this?

September 23, 2014

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention

Your Facebook Status Updates Made Me Laugh:

It really gets my goat when a cab takes you on a tour of NYC instead of the fastest route because they assume you don't know better & you are immersed in your emails & don't notice. In other words, I'm gonna be late for everything today ‪#‎DominoEffect‬

If you ever feel like you're having a bad day, just remember some adults have braces

The truth is that if you have a job that requires you to wear a name tag, NO ONE gives a fuck what your name is. ‪#‎BeenThereDoneThat‬

On another note, if you were my earrings I wore yesterday, where would you be?

A guy at my deli this morning told me he keeps a 6 foot snake in his apartment and showed me pictures. Pretty sure that's not legal. And more importantly, what told him I would be impressed by this information?

People are saying the iPhone 6 is just TOO big. Means I will LOVE it.

You know the saying; Some things are better left unsaid? Exactly how does that work? ‪#‎nofilter‬

When I go out, I'm gonna start asking people if they mind taking a picture of me and then just awkwardly wait for them to use their own cameras.

5. Light jacket over above combo
6. Fuck this shit I'm going to Florida

September 2, 2014

Some Facebook Status Update Are Worth a Mention

These Facebook status updates made me laugh:

Excited to announced that I'll be becoming a world-renowned musician and overdosing on drugs this year!!! ‪#‎twentyseven‬ ‪#‎blessed‬

Homonyms are the bain of my existence

Only two days until being able to hail a cab in NYC will be but a fond memory of summertime. In other words, Happy ‪#‎NYFW‬ everyone.

1 hr · 
Accidentally sent my stepfather a text saying "I love our morning sex." Why? WHHHHHHHHHHHHY???? ‪#‎FML‬

Call me psychic, but I'm getting the feeling that today is the first day of the school year for some of your kids... just a hunch

Nothing says "I had a great holiday weekend!" quite like getting all the way to work and realizing you left your computer at home. Doh!

You know how cartoon characters are greeted by bluebirds and butterflies in the morning? I woke up to a flying roach.

Ever notice that your friends who DON'T have their shit together are the ones who post a fuck-ton of inspirational quotes? ‪#‎irony‬

Hypothetically speaking. If you got "randomly" selected by the TSA every. single. time. you flew, would it still be considered random?

Post Labor Day weekend struggle