These Facebook status updates made me laugh:
Homonyms are the bain of my existence
Only two days until being able to hail a cab in NYC will be but a fond memory of summertime. In other words, Happy #NYFW everyone.
Accidentally sent my stepfather a text saying "I love our morning sex." Why? WHHHHHHHHHHHHY???? #FML
Call me psychic, but I'm getting the feeling that today is the first day of the school year for some of your kids... just a hunch
Nothing says "I had a great holiday weekend!" quite like getting all the way to work and realizing you left your computer at home. Doh!
You know how cartoon characters are greeted by bluebirds and butterflies in the morning? I woke up to a flying roach.
Ever notice that your friends who DON'T have their shit together are the ones who post a fuck-ton of inspirational quotes? #irony