December 3, 2009

MTV: Jersey Shore Episodes One and Two | Zlata's Thoughts

The Jersey Shore: A show on MTV that show examines the lives of young people living and vacationing on the various resort towns in the northern part of the Jersey Shore. The show plays upon the stereotype of the guido, a subculture amongst Italian-American youth in this region, prompting criticism from groups such as the National Italian American Foundation and from some people living in the area. Residents of South Jersey have also criticized the show for not showing any representation of the southern, and larger, part of the Jersey Shore. - Wikipedia.

Let us begin. The show starts off introducing all of the people who we'll be watching this season. Essentially, these people are going to be sharing a Jersey Shore House -- sort of like The Real World.

THE HOUSEMATES
Pauly D - born and raised a guido. All about being a Italian. He has a tanning bed in his home. He DJ's. Guys' girlfriends leave their boyfriends for him. It takes him 25 minutes to do his hair. He is the epitome of what I think the word "guido" means.

Nicole "Snooki" - Wants to marry a guido. Wants to live in Jersey. Small little package but loud big mouth.

Mike "The Situation" - he has crazy abs he calls "The Situation" and he's good looking to me. Is that weird?

Sammi "Sweetheart" - The sweetest bitch you'll ever meet. Doesn't want to settle down. Wants to get with as many guido boys as possible. A self-described Guidette. See also: whore.

Vinny - Mama's boy. The "anti-guido" guido. He doesn't think the tanning, lipgloss, hair maintenance etc. that guys do make someone a serious guido. Instead, they're "faggots". But he still likes to fist pump and shows us all with both of his pits stained. Essentially, he's the typical Staten Island guido.

Jenni "Jowww" - She is a praying mantis who will rip guys' heads off after sleeping with them. Lots of girls hate on her. She's seeing someone but will be a kid in a candy store at the Jersey Shore.

Ronnie - His only rule is to "never fall in love at the Jersey Shore. Never. Ever. Ever. Ever." The cool thing about the Jersey Shore for Ronnie is all about getting laid. "you just take your shirt off and they come to you. Like a fly goes to shit." That's an actual quote that came out of this man's mouth. He goes on to say that it's all about first impression and how you look. Even if your bank account is low, you should still have the appearance - fresh haircuts, new shoes, perfect outfit. The funny thing is, Ronnie is in for a rude awakening when he grows up. All that shit fades and means jack shit later in life. It's what you have in the bank account and in your brain (aside from hair gel) that really counts. "Beers Bitches and the Beach. That's all you need to know about the Jersey Shore"

Angelina - The Kim Kardashian of Staten Island. Real boobs and nice fat ass. She thinks she's hot. She has a boyfriend so this is a big test for their relationship.

So we're in Seaside Heights, NJ...and we're LIVE. (with a few pauses here and there)

I feel like "The Situation" is a bit gay, but he decides he'd hook up with Sammi, who is now shacking up with Pauly and The Situation. Vinny doesn't think Sammi is that hot at all and next to enter the house is JWoww, which is how she introduces herself to the new roommates. She just looks like an ass the whole time she's on camera. Snookie is interested in drinking right away. Ronnie is next. Snookie is attracted to him. Angelina comes in with garbage bags and people think she's trash. Finally, their landlord and now boss gives them a big peptalk about not being late to work, hungover, etc. or they'll be fired. That's what people in the TV biz like to call "foreshadowing".

Nicole is definitely the biggest slut and biggest tool. She's already drunk and ready to start hooking up with people. She basically makes herself look like an asshole. She's not the center of attention and she can't stand it. Well, what does Snookie do? She gets in a hot tub with four men in just a bra and a thong. That should get the guys' attention, right? She tries making out with the girl who enters the hot tub - and virtually every other guy in there. I DON'T GET IT. WHO DOES THIS? I'm seriously disgusted right now. I cannot imagine being this girl right this moment and watching herself on TV. Aside from looking like a complete asshole, you're also like - NOT allowed to wear a two piece. You're NOT thin. Everybody is pushing her away right now. I can't. AND SHE JUST FALLS DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS. Holy MOTHER.

After Snookie passes out, the rest of the house goes out and play boardwalk games. Uh oh - because than Snookie wakes up and doesn't know where anyone is. Angelina can't believe no one likes her because she's supposed to be the hottest one. Back in the house with Snooki, OMG the phone is quacking. No one is home. She can't figure anything out. Her nails are long and fluorescent pink. AND SHE KEEPS HANGING UP ON PEOPLE WITH THAT DUCK PHONE. I'M LOSING IT. I'm laughing so hard right now. She keeps hanging up on people. I just called Brianne to discuss this. It's too much.

So people get back to the house and Snookie's awake and tells JWoww that her boyfriend called. The boys are shocked that she didn't tell anyone she had one back home. Get over it. I don't think that makes her shady.

In the morning, Snooki feels like ass and can't believe she made herself look like an ass. She decides she needs to throw up and no one is holding her hair or waiting for her and this girl is essentially an outcast. I feel bad for her a little bit. She has absolutely no self-esteem. Sammi and The Situation are hitting it off. I think Sammi looks like Nicla DiCosmo a bit. Anyway, Snookie apologies and all is well in the abode.

Until the commercial ends. Women NEVER like new women who threaten their hotness. They always want to be the desired one - and competition with another woman they don't konw is never a good thing. Like if you're a female in a great looking group of female friends - there's no competition because you're friends. You roll together - you go out together - and you respect each other. You don't go after one of your friend's crushes. You just don't. But with a woman you don't know - it's no holds barr and you're just not interested in competing. You want all the attention to yourself.
So I just wrote all this during the commercial, judging off of the previews. Lo and behold the wise Frankie happens to say the exact same thing after the boys went "fishing" for women on the boardwalk.

Semi-decent looking girls get in the hot tub with these boys in their bras and underwear and all start making out. Ronnie is the best so far. He's my fave. He doesn't want tension or drama. Sammi is jealous definitely because her man be in that hot tub. You know what Angelina, SHUT UP! You didn't think guys would be the typical Jersey Shore guys? Let me give you some facts. You're on a show CALLED Jersey Shore. And ANY guy would be in a jacuzzi with naked girls and makeout. Why the EFF don't you go get a life and stop WATCHING them to make them feel uncomfortable. You're just JEALOUS.

The Situation is really funny actually. I like him. He likes Sammi and is concerned with what she thinks. He's cute and gets out of the pool to talk to her. All of a sudden Sammi is gonna play the "I don't care, do your thing" card. OH PUHLEEEEESE. You're TRANSPARENT. Hey Mike, Why don't you come over to my New York City highrise and I'll show you a little "situation" of my own, ok? You're adorable. "This situation you're about to get into is indescribable. You can't even get into the situation you're about to get into."

Vinny, you're right - like these girls have no right to get mad at these boys for bringing home chicks. HONESTLY. And Pauly - why are you 29 and at the Jersey Shore? Moreover, why are you 29 and look like you're 24? Anyway, the girls need to chill. CHILL already. This isnt' a MATCH.com house. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Ronnie you totally have a point. I'm completely vibingwith you. You can come along with Mike to really make it a situation. Ronnie just LET'S IT OUT. Love him.

Back to Snickers who is packing though I'm not sure why. You aren't being ignored you tool - there was drama. You should have gone downstairs and contributed. Snookie doesnt' feel like she's bonding with anyone. Dude, just go home. I feel you. I really understand what you're saying. Just check out. Go home.

Mike makes breakfast for Sammi and they exchange "i'm interested in you's" He's cute. She's - I dunno yet.

Angelina and Pauly go to the t-shirt store to start work. Angelina is a big complainer and doesn't like to work. "I feel like this job is beneath me. You know, I'm bartender. I like, do great things." Pauly can sell because he has confidence. She is insecure and self-conscious and therefore can't sell jack shit.

Sammi convinces Snookie to stay and Snook has a revelation that she's gonna learn about herself this summer. Good for her.

I want a pair of those "I love the situation" undies! JWoww really needs to always wear makeup all the time. She doesn't look good without it. JWoww and Angelina vow they will not cheat on their boyfriends this summer. That's what they call foreshadowing in the TV biz. Why is JWoww naked? I'm serious. And Mike, don't be sad they're going out without you. You would just want to hang out with Sammi anyway and you're working with her so relax.

Vinny keeps it real. I dig him. Angelina is a whore - an attention whore. She just wants the attention. JWoww is already into Pauly D. Wait, how is MTV making their almost kiss scene kind of romantic?

Ok so the first two nites were bad for Snooks and NOW she brings a guy home? She REALLY NEEDS SELF ESTEEM. I can't. What do you think your roomies are going to think of you now?! I LIKE MIKE A LOT.

Snookie's man starts vomiting. Aww, I feel bad. I'm glad MTV got it on film though, I must say.

Angelina pretends she doesn't remember the previous night. TOTALLY Mike, you KNOW WHAT'S UP! You know she's lying.

Vinny thinks he has pink eye. Ronnie says, "That's what you get for putting fat girls' asses in your face." LOVE IT.

I love how these girls get ready with their purses on to see how they look while wearing a handbag? Like, you're wearing coach bags from six years ago. Check yourself.
ALso, boys in sunglasses at night? Really? Like - I can't tell if I think you're attractive until I see your eyes. I wouldn't ever makeout with someone on the dance floor (period) especially if they were wearing sunglasses (exclamation point.)
OMG Ronnie and Sammi are making out!!!!!! This girl needs self-esteem too. SOMEBODY HAVE A SELF-ESTEEM SAMPLE SALE! It's like Sammi- you like both guys. I get it. Ronnie's hot. You want to make sure they both like you. And you don't want Ronnie to NOT be interested because you made out with Mike. But then you make out with Ronnie and Mike sees. What are you going to do? Deny it? Pretend you were sooooo drunk? Like, you're ridiculous and just made yourself look like an asshole in front of Mike, who was really "vibing" on you, as Guidos say. And Ronnie, shame on you!

Mike looks like someone I can't put my finger on. So Mike decides to start a fight because he needs to build up his testosterone level again now that he was just rejected. But Pauly starts fighting instead and punches someone out because he's a loyal friend. Or something.

The boys bring home girls and Mike starts making out. Sammi is gonna FUH-REAK OUT. Sammi you're stupid. Mike should seriously Jerry Springer her ass. Sammi was definitely giving him wrong vibes! And Mike actually liked her. What's WRONG with you, stupid girl? Mike, WHERE ARE YOU? Get over here already. Sammi- you're just pushing people away because you can't deal with a commitment.

Angelina, you're annoying. Mike you're RIGHT - she's jealous that you're not paying attention to her. By the way, I can't stop looking at Mike's body. Also, I don't think he's a cocky bastard. HOWEVER, I don't think he should have told Angelina to lose five or ten pounds. That's just hitting it below the belt. Not cool bro.

Ronnie, you have NO game. AT.ALL. Aww, poor Mike! I just realized you sort of look like Pauly Shore. Aw, I'm sad for Mike.

ANd there you have it. Episodes One and Two. My thoughts.

over and out.