January 14, 2010

MTV's Jersey Shore | Episode 6 Recap - Life Lessons

I cannot explain the hatred I have for Sammi. I just feel like I KNOW what she's thinking and how manipulative she really is. She DID instigate that fight on the Boardwalk. She deserved everything Ronnie said to her. But instead, she needs to make herself the victim. Because she is an insecure girl who is passive aggressive and will never swallow her pride. She's selfish and manipulative. Seriously. That's her. "I forgave Ronnie." - like GO EFFYASELF.

Lest we forget - Snooks told Ronnie and Sammi that they all needed to have a family meeting because everyone has issues with the two of them in the house. This episode, Sammi brings it up to Pauly D and The Situation, asking if they have a problem with her and Ronnie's relationship. Mike says, "Aight, can I be honest with you? ... The only thing we care about is gettin' girls. And going to the gym." So Sammi's all like, why does Shnookers gotta be sayin' shit?

Is your name Snooki? Snick? Schnookers? Snickers?

Snooki has no point here. Her whole "we" is just like her. She bugs out. "I can't juggle all the people in this house."

Sammi does have a point. JWoww and Snooki have issues because they're jealous. But whatever. Snooki apologies. Snookie doesn't want anyone to miss this experience. Like, what about when you were going to freakin' leave? Over it.

During this commercial I'm thinking, "This is just the best show on Earth."

So all the guys are having fun with their own girls. How old is Vinny's girl? Like, 33?

Snooki is attracted to a guy at the bar because of his muscles. Obviously. But she usually goes for Italians, and this guy is an "Irish cowboy" so she's surprised she likes him. I'm not. She has two weeks left. She can't go home not having had sex this summer, right?

Mike and Paula met at Karma. "That girl can shake it!" Paula is a wasted mess and of course, Mike needs to get her in the jacuzzi. Hey Mike, you've been trying for two months to get laid. Each and everytime you start with the hot tub. Why don't you try changing up your game, see if that works out for ya, k buddy?.

Snooki finds a guidance counselor in the "Irish cowboy" as she tells him her thoughts on her life and saving animals. He tells her "the biggest risk in life is not taking a risk. "She tells the cowboy that she delivered a baby calf and he says, "Wow, I congratulate you on that. How many guidos you know that do that?" and she says, "I'm not a guido, I'm a quidettle" It's just too good.

Vinny is the cutest fucking boy ever. He's laying in the hammock with his cougar and he observes Mike and Paula having sex in the hot tub. Only a NICE boy like Vinny would say, "I don't know what the deal with that was - I mean, was he using protection? I dunno." HOW CUTE?! So then Shnookattack and Cowboy Jack come up to the roof as well. Cockblocking doesn't even describe what she just dead. She literally just straight up ruined their sexcapade. Mike takes Paula's hand to get out of the tub and attempts to take her inside. She then proceeds to FALL DOWN THE STAIRS and everyone cracks up laughing.

Snooki and Keith hook up. They don't have sex. "I don't know why. But if I had to have sex with anyone here it would be him because he's a nice guy and he's gotta be clean."

The next morning, Paula's friend comes knocking NONSTOP on the Jersey Shore house. "Hi, is Paula here?" If I woke up to that, I swear to you - I would bitchslap the person responsible for it. In any event, this girl Paula. Holy shit. I'm telling you right now: I would rather be the MAN who punched Snooki in the face and lost his job than be this PAULA, whose mother is now watching her daughter be a complete and utter whore. She just WATCHED her daughter have sex in a hot tub. Fall down the stairs. Sleep in bed with a stranger. Her mother is obviously overprotective, having Paula's friend come there and DRAG her home...and get this - she can't even MAKE UP A STORY because it was ALL FILMED. I mean, I would NOT want to be this girl right now. How disgraceful. Mike is a p-word because he just gets in the shower to avoid all of the drama. Oy vey. So this girl leaves in her PJ's or Mike's clothes, whatever, because she can't find her clothes. Another thing for her mom to be proud of. In fact, someone should make this woman a bumper sticker that says "My Daughter Is THAT Girl on the Jersey Shore Show."

Snooki asks Keith for his number and says, "I'm not gonna fall in love at the Jersey Shore. But if I am, it's gonna be with Keith." I meannnnnnnnnnnnn. "I do wanna have sex with him. I'm saving myself for cowboy."

Mike finds it weird that Vinny was watching him do it in the hot tub. I don't. I mean, Vinny was with a chick on the hammock. He wasn't freakin' watching the whole thing. Vinny tells Mike, "You're 27 years old. I would never wanna be like you when I'm 27." Mike tells Vinny, "You have no game." "That's not what your sister said." ZING!

Another night at Karma. More shots. More dancing. Fist pumping. Mike's sister is hangin' out again and diggin' on Vinny. Sure enough, what's a night without Sammi and Ronnie drama? Sammi's chattin' up with dudes (and that's ok?) but when she sees Ronnie doing the same thing (instead of looking all over the bar for HER) she gets pissed. You're NOT BEING PLAYED. CHILL THE EFF OUT. Anyway, Mike instigated a bit by showing Sammi where Ronnie was and who he was talking to. Ronni is obviously a wasted mess. I still love him though.

Pauly D meets a nice chick whose Israeli. She tells him to come visit her in Israel. He says, "I can't go, I don't have a passport. They won't like me, I have a cross on my arm." DID ANYONE CATCH THAT? Like, he has a cross on his arm. In Israel. And?

Vunny loves that Mike's sister is all into him. Obviously. But uh oh, Tanya comes in and get this - because Vinny is a GOOD guy and has RESPECT for Tanya, he wants to go hang out with her instead of Mike's sister who he considers an easy lay. WHAT OTHER SHOW WILL TEACH YOU SUCH LIFE LESSONS, PEOPLE?

OMG. I AM BITING MY TONGUE. I'm not going to delete what I wrote above -- but this just proves a point - even when a guy is a good decent guy - he will still choose sex. So basically, men are pigs. Great. "Mike's sister was a sure thing, so that's why I went that route."

Mike: "I like my clothes like I like my women: Options"
Pauly D: "You like your girls like you like your underwear: Dirty"

The group takes a trip to Atlantic City and stay at the Tropicana. They're ready to go wild, but all the crew goes to take a nap. Except for Snooki. So she decides to get in the hot tub. With bubbles. LOTS of bubbles and says "I feel like a cooking turkey." Now, please remember that everyone is sleeping. She has nothing to do. So she decides to get in a bubble bath but with like an MTV crew filming her. Right?
So she's just hanging out with herself. Playing with bubbles. "This looks like a porno. Honestly." -- REALLY SHNOOKSMcGEE? You didn't think of that BEFORE?

"Damn Snooks, you're lettin' the girls out tonight?" Please, she has no choice! The girl's got a nice rack!

So Ronnie's assessment of The Situation is spot on. He does have insecurity issues. He does cover them up with cockiness. But had his relationship with Sammi worked out, I'm telling you guys, we'd be watching a completely different Situation.

So they're at dinner at Il Verde. And shit talking starts. But why? I don't get why Ronnie started Vinny about his outfit. Vinny never did anything to Ronnie! ANyway, that avalanches into a fight at the table. I'm honestly too annoyed about it to type out some quotes, but Shnooks tells Mike she doesn't like him. Mike has ammo on everyone at the table - whatever the eff that means - and it's like all drama for your mama. But the thing is, Snooki starts with Mike so that she's that much "cooler" to the roommates, since she knows none of them like Mike either.

"Can I have a roll?" asks Snooki. "Don't worry, you got a couple" Look, Mike was OUT of line with that comment. I've had a guy call me fat before and it does not feel nice. At all. I totally would have cried. Before I had time to leave the table. But you can tell in Mike's eyes he felt bad. But he's too proud to go after her. Sammi needs to learn English "Mike didn't have the audacity to get up and apologize" I mean, that doesn't even make sense. You know what's awesome? You can smoke in AC.

Back in the room, Snooki is crying again because she doesn't want people to forget about poor old Snooki. And now JWoww is concerned for her eating habits. I MEAN CMONNNNNNNNNN. "I just got over my eating disorder and now it gets brought up again." Bitch, that's not how it WORKS. You are soooo hungry for attention, you're fully of SHIT. JWoww, stop telling SNooki she looks great, ok? Snooki - look, you can lose a few pounds. Yes. But so can I. And so can a lot of other women. But if youre HAPPY with yourself and comfortable in your skin, WHO CARES? If you are NOT comfortable, then do something about it. (I'm kind of speaking to myself here) - so quit your drama.

JWoww. You are TRASHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. She and Shnooks are dancing on the makeshift stage and Shnooki falls. Oh man, classic. Ronnie and Sammi are basically rolling on E and dancin' up a storm. Snooki meets a guy she's into and says, "What happens in AC, Stays in AC" Funnily enough, Brianne's bachelorette party in AC sported homemade bracelets that said the exact same thing.

Vinny starts making out with a chick and goes to the bathroom. By the time he comes back, Mike is making out with her or "pulling a robbery" as he says. Vinny is the best - "That's so grimy. Like that's my saliva in her mouth. I wonder how I taste." But it's true, THE SITUATION IS GROSS TO ME. There, I said it. Wow, AC really is a dirty place, huh?

Ronnie and Sam leave at four o' clock. Ronnie says, "I mean, we've been here since 12, five hours is enough." Um....12-4 is four hours, but who's counting? JWoww throws up and wants Mike to take her back to the room. Mike is the only one who knew she was sick, so naturally she went to him to help her out. But HE DOESN'T WANT TO? Like, I can't even believe that! I can't tell you how many times a friend has had to help me go lie down and each and every time I was so appreciative that I had friends like that to just drop what their doing and who they're talking to help me out. But THIS GUY. Is a DOUCHE. She smacks Mike but she's WASTED. SHE JUST WANTS TO GO HOME. I don't think JWoww was right, but she won't even remember that in the morning. "She gets kicked out of the club like a piece of trash. That she is." - Mike. He's selfish. He really really is.

JWoww is going to punch Mike in the face when she gets home. And that she does. Basically. And AS SOON as that happens, you see the hotel door opening for the MTV producers to start getting involved.
Because this isn't just the Real World Atlantic City, it's THE JERSEY SHORE.