January 20, 2010

The Worst Date I've Ever Been On

In my life, I've been on some bad dates. I mean, some horrible dates. But there's one date that really takes the cake. It happened quite some time ago and I was hesitant to post about it since I don't normally talk about my dating life. But, I think I should. I think men can really learn something about ways NOT to court a woman.

I met this guy at an afterparty for an event. At the time, I had no idea who he was, but later learned that he was the brother of a celebrity, also at said event. It turns out this brother took a liking to me and we ended up going out on a date. Here's how it went down.

The following, are bulleted highlights of said date, complete with explanations.
  • Met up at 40/40 Club to watch a premiere of a new show on HBO
  • Started off with a beer, one for me - one for him.
  • Sat down and had a nice conversation as we waited for show to start. I was beginning to think this was actually going to be better than I originally thought, now that my nerves have calmed down a bit.
  • Before start of show at 8pm, Date goes to get another beer. Does not bring one back for me. I'm okay with this, since I've only had .... maybe three sips of my first beer.
  • Show starts. Show ends. Another beer for me, another beer for him.
  • I see a friend from Fair Lawn, oddly enough, and go over to say hello. I introduced Date to Friend from Fair Lawn. We all talk for about 20 minutes.
  • My date's friend sees us from across the club and walks over, inviting us into the "VIP" section with the cast members from the TV show. We proceed over there, but not before Date gets another beer. Does not ask if I need one. I do.
  • Get into VIP section and meet a few people. I order myself a beer and talk to Friend from Fair Lawn, as Date has started up a conversation with ... wait a second, this guy looks familiar.....
  • Date begins to introduce me to a boy by the name of XXX XXXXX, who I know already since he actually went to Fair Lawn High School for two years before moving. He's there with his girlfriend and her friend. Not sure how they are in this "section," but I don't ask questions.
  • All of us (Date, Friend from Fair Lawn, Random Boy from Fair Lawn, his girlfriend and her friend) are in a group talking about some bullshit. I'm not paying attention. I'm people watching.
  • No more beers for me. One, two, three more beers for him.
  • At this point, I can't get over that my date night has been ransacked and dominated by random Fair Lawn and his girl posse entourage. I want to leave. I want to leave now.
  • I excuse myself to go to the ladies room and when I come back, most of the people in the section are gone, the velvet ropes are no longer there, and I see Date with a new beer, deep in conversation with girls and random FL boy.
  • I join conversation and receive a nice "how are you doing?" rub from Date along my back.
  • Conversation has now turned to where we're ALL going after this, as Date has the day off tomorrow and wants to party it up. But not, of course, before he has another beer.
  • Finally, we go outside and though I was told by a mutual friend not to smoke in front of Date, I had no choice but to light up a butt in order to keep my sanity.
  • Me, Date, Random FL boy, his girlfriend and his girlfriend's friend are now in a cab on the way to 60 Thompson. I realize I should have drank more beers.
  • We all get seated, order some noshes and drinks. Blood Orange Cosmo for me, Gin Martini for him.
  • After about 20 minutes, the other girl's boyfriend shows up. There are now six of us. We are on a triple date. With strangers.
  • We start talking about topics such as, but not limited to: Nomads, Social Darwinism, Anthropology, Cave Drawings and Metaphysics. In fact, I was asked "What is your favorite metaphysical thought?" Not having Google at my side, I answered with, "I don't like to be put on the spot.," instead of, "What the FUCK are you guys talking about? I'm out of here!!" (Note: I'm not a moron. I can go on and on about meta-thoughts and meta-meta thoughts...but NOT in this kind of environment)
  • Several times throughout the night, Date rubbed my back, my lower thigh, etc. and asked if I was okay. It was nice, actually.
  • About 30 minutes in, Date turns to me and says, "We don't have to go all the way, I have a big enough bed, we can just get started. Stay over."
  • Puzzled, I was unsure of what would prompt him to say such a thing to me. Instead of responding, I smile and take another sip of my cosmo, while he orders another Gin Martini and tells me that I'm "scrumptious."
  • After what felt like hours of grueling conversation, Date gets up to go to the bathroom.
  • I told the other two couples that I really wanted to get the hell out of here, so we need to get the check, STAT.
  • Date comes back to table, orders yet another beer and one of the girls says, "So Zlata wants to go, she's asked us to get the check." I mean, WHO DOES THAT? Why blow up my spot? What the FUCK is wrong with you? In an effort to redeem myself, I say, "No, no it's ok - Date just ordered a beer. It's no problem!" - clearly, I was blushing and heated the whole time.
  • More conversation - or rather, me listening to Date and Random FL boy talk, while eating dinner, a spring roll. ONE. Do I look like the kind of girl who should be eating ONE spring roll for dinner? Ok, maybe.
  • FINALLY, we get the check. Date pays for me and says it's his absolute pleasure. I start to feel bad that perhaps he's acting a fool because he's just really drunk. I concentrated on that factoid to think about whether or not I'd give him another chance.
  • The six of us get our coats and start walking out, down a flight of stairs. Date takes my hand, interlocking fingers. Date is 6'5. I am 5'4 (wearing heels, so maybe 5'7?). Regardless, height difference is not conducive to normal stair-walking whilst hand-holding.
  • Awkwardness ensues when we go outside and Date says, "You know what I haven't done yet? Cradled you like a baby." Before I could even ask what that means, he had me in his arms, as if we were about to walk through the threshold.
  • Date held me like this for maybe 120 seconds too long before throwing my legs up a little and letting them fall down to the ground. Like, I'm a woman. There's no need to swing me around in your arms on the first date. Nor is there any reason to throw my legs in the air, only to let them fall and dangle, as I hold onto your neck for dear life. Again, 6'5 - didn't really have a smooth landing.
  • Confused, disheveled and basically completely over it, I hail a cab and ask if it will make two stops. It will. I felt like I was in a movie. For serious. We say goodnight to those we tripled with, and proceeded into cab.
  • Date begins to stroke my hair and tell me I have nice eyebrows. Nice. Eyebrows. Again, nice. eyebrows.
  • Date leans in to kiss me. By kiss, I mean, open mouth, stick tongue out and rotate.
  • Date then asks me, "Do you know what my favorite part is?" Unsure of what could possibly come out of his mouth this time, I curiously ask, "What?" Date proceeds to put my entire nose in his mouth, sucking it in the process of withdrawal.
  • After being rhino-fucked, I decided that I'd had enough and couldn't believe how long it's taking the cab to get to 23rd and 10th.
  • Two more times of making out, three more nose-blows and a "you have a nice bust" later, we arrive at his destination: another bar by his apartment.
  • Asking me yet again to come for another drink and stay over (and even offering to come to Hoboken), I politely decline all options and tell him it was really nice meeting him.
  • Date offers money for my cab home. I do not accept.
  • Date goes into bar.
  • I light up a cigarette in cab, albeit illegal in New York, and direct Jean, my cabbie-man, to get me the fuck out of the city.
  • Two texts from Date during ride home include: "Sweet Dreams" and "xoxo ;) { }" whatever that means.
  • Get home at 1am.
And if you don't nose, now you nose...niggaz.

Comments and reactions appreciated.