August 6, 2010

Baby Shits & Giggles: Sorry, but you have an ugly child

Look – straight up: I think it’s bullshit when people think their baby is THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BABY IN THE WORLD.  I get it, you birthed it. Good times.  But that doesn’t mean you are required to think your pooper is the cutest ever.  Some babers are JUST.NOT.CUTE.  Me, I think I’ll know if my babes is ugs.  I’m pretty sure I won’t be in denial about it.  I think I’ll have no problem saying to people who first meet my babes, “I know what you’re thinking – my baby is NOT cute – but you know what? That’s the sperm that hit the egg, so what am I gunna do?”

Admittedly, I always said that if I had an ugly babes, I’d give it up for adoption – but my boyfriend won’t allow for that when we’re married – so alas, we’ll be stuck.  Instead of my child’s problems being about the opposite sex and clothes, perhaps they’ll be the reason of ridicule in elementary school (and beyond) and I’ll have to go to the school and start kicking kid’s asses for fucking with my child.  Like, I don’t want to have to deal with that.  I want my kid to be normal, good-looking, smart and popular.  And, I’ll KNOW if they aren’t.  I won’t be in denial about it.   Just saying.

SO this all brings me to my new segment on ZlataThoughts called Baby Shits & Giggles: Sorry, but you have an ugly child. I’ll be working with Chris Morran (formerly of OK Magazine, currently with Consumerist) as he provides funny commentary to baby pictures I provide for him.  I welcome you to add your comments to the baby pictures as well. In fact, if you’d like to be the featured commentator – feel free to email me at and let me know!  Enjoy the new segment and as always, “If you don’t like my lyrics, you can press fast forward”


CM:  "You think I look bad? You should see her vagina!"