March 19, 2012

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention

Who's got two thumbs and jumped into the pool with his iPhone in his pocket?

just passed a tourist midget on Fifth and 47th. Dry spell officially over.

I feel like ringing the NYSE bell is kind of overrated. I mean it used to be an honor but now it's like being on the cover of Rolling Stone. Anyone can pretty much do it.

The Easter bunny came early and deliverd baby bunnies in the middle of my backyard.

If only there was an edgy comedian who was hilarious then had kids and made jokes about his family then we never heard from him again.

WOW, it's gonna be 80 on Thursday!! who wants to take off and go to the beach?? (for real)

Pretending to be a certain way all the time is really exhausting.

Question to ponder: Should a blind guy who goes to a Broadway show get 1/2 off since he can only hear it? I think he should.

if you offer someone a drink and they say no, say, "why not? don't you want to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting REAL?"

Should have put a new house on our registry!

Umm NC state university boys are super horny time to pay a visit to them... Who is with me?

Never read The Hunger Games but after the last two nights I can only assume it's about breast feeding.

I live in the worst real-life sitcom ever. Hope the fans enjoy.

For all you loyal Office fans.

I was just re-nicknamed "Jewey Fattone" by my boss. #VH1Buzz

saw a parent picking up a kid from elementary school today with a shirt that said, "this is my beer drinking shirt" on the front and "rehab is for quitters" on the back.

You know what really blows my mind? Press release with titles like "Classiest Salon in NJ Invites You to have Your Mind Blown"

The USPS is the biggest joke ever. I think we should all start using email ONLY. There, I said it.