March 28, 2013

Ladies, Forewarning: A Demolition Derby Driver Dating Disaster

Ladies of the world, your attention please, this will only take a few moments of your time.

Have you ever dated a demolition derby driver? No? Good. Let's keep it that way. I recommend that you don't date one of them — ever. It's not the dating that's a problem, per se. The problem comes after, once you've broken up.

Demolishing the Relationship

Demolition derby drivers are all clinically insane. [Please note: I am not a psychiatrist, just someone who cares] I mean, they'd have to be, right? I'm pretty sure they are all missing that little part of the brain that identifies dangerous situations and prompts a response of fear. They're also missing whatever part deals with common sense. For heaven's sake, they spend their entire workday driving cars into, over, under and through other cars as a fun sport. That's just another day at the office.

Cut to the breakup (which I instigated) and things got interesting. Thankfully, my boyfriend and I had run into one of his ex-girlfriends one night while we were dating. She took me aside in the bathroom and told me that if or when we broke up, he might not handle it so well. She asked me, "have you ever seen those world star hip hop fights?" I had, and now she had my attention, because those fights are intense and messy. She also told me he might "bring work home with him," and I'd be wise to be prepared.

I didn't really take her seriously, but (luckily) I never forgot what she said. Do you, dear reader, know how much I had to spend on fortifying my house after I dumped him? A normal guy might call, text or knock on your door in an attempt to talk about what went wrong and win you back — but not this guy.

Damage Control

My home was more secure than a CIA safe house by the time I finished reinforcing it. I installed steel security bollards at the foot of my driveway and behind the hedges bordering my front and back yard. It was a little ridiculous that my home was less vulnerable to a smash-and-grab than a high-end electronics store.

On the plus side, when the jerk tried to drive his "work car" onto my property last week, it wrecked faster than it would have on a sold-out Saturday night at the destructo-dome. The front end of that car was so wasted he couldn't even change gears to get it in reverse and drive away. I had to deal with some paperwork and police. Oh, and I did touch up the paint on my undented bollard and pick up some debris from my yard.

At least when I put this house on the market, I'll have some niche appeal. Think about it: celebrities with security phobias, foreign emissaries, all sorts of weirdos would love what I've done with this place.

So, ladies of the world, if I may impart one bit of wisdom to you, it would be this: dig out your list of men to never ever date. I call it my "No Man" list — below John Mayer, now #1 ranked internationally since 2005, but above Tom Cruise — add "Demolition Derby Drivers." You'll thank me later.