March 12, 2013

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention

You people made me laugh today:

When I'm old I have every intention of filling my facial wrinkles with my butt fat. That's just science.

‎"I didn't know they had gingers in Florida." Seriously, bro?

No one is actually pronouncing it "pa-tah-toe" though right? We can all agree that person's weird.

My "Kids in Cocktail Education" Kickstarter isn't going as well as I thought it would.

Haters can go ahead and take a seat. We should all be sending "thank you" letters to J Biel for this album.

I would like to go into target just once and get only what I planned to buy and spend less than $100.

If you're missing a ring, this guy may have it! Oy!
If you're missing a ring, this guy may have it!  Oy!

In anticipation of my 30th birthday, I've decided to purge people from my life. If you don't make the cut it's likely because your life revolves around babies and I hate you; you're sober and therefore boring; you're a delusional douche who constantly posts about how your life is so great; or your grammar is so bad that you sound like a fucking retard and I've lost all respect for you. Adieu, motherfuckers.

Jennifer Caluri
I should really not get dressed in a dark room if I plan to wear a leopard bra to work