March 21, 2013

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention

You people made me laugh today:

I saw a man riding a unicycle in Times Square today...I think I did, either that or I forgot my meds again

To the clearly-straight man enamored with cover of ELLE featuring Nicki Minaj: that looks like a take-home read, bro. I can hear your labored breathing from across the aisle at B&N

Did we ever confirm who the implicit titular threats of Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em are in reference to?

Does no one understand or acknowledge the existence as well as the benefits of the “courtesy flush?!?” Let me break this down, because reading this will most definitely and undoubtedly separate the men from the pigs. Literally. Allow me to explain. If done properly and correctly, according to the following system, you won’t kill people with the smell of your inner rot aka your body’s discards at the moment they walk through the bathroom door.
When dropping the deuce and/or pinching your loaf, you should be flushing at the very same time. Two flushes back to back if necessary, for the following reasons:
1. No one has to hear the “splash” or the decompression of air from your brown eye. And maybe on some occasions, the “painting of the bowl” depending on your diet. Results may vary.
2. As your “unloading” and flushing simultaneously, you’re allowing for immediate evacuation of said “discards” therefore leaving little chance for your butt’s death stink to linger and suffocate the person next to you. Think about it. Leaving your logs and/or lava in the bowl, while sitting there, is only turning it into a steamy soup which, will permeate the air in no time, making, what should be, a pleasurable and effortless experience for your neighbor, a total disaster. And possible medical emergency.
With that being said, men especially, should not only consider, but truly understand the benefits of the “courtesy flush”
In addition, it think toilet paper should be banned completely, worldwide and replaced by baby wipes. Don’t EVEN get me started on THAT topic.
You’re Welcome

I bought a pair of Meatloaf boxers today. On the front they say "I would do anything for love" on the back they say "But I wont do that"

Listen to Donald and call me!
It won’t stay a buyer’s market forever. If you can, take advantage and buy property ASAP. You’ll thank me!

Some justification.
Some justification.