April 25, 2013

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention

You people made me laugh today:

It is April 25th. On the 1st for April Fool's my uncle changed my grandad's outgoing voicemail to "You've reached Mr. Steal your Girl. Hold your woman close and leave a message at the tone". No one has told him about this yet.

The suspense is everything.

Mulch smells like urine baby food diarrhea vomit.

PARADOX: I like cookies and I like breakfast, yet Cookie Crisp® cereal is shitty fucking garbage.

Maybe the Postal Service should raise money on Kickstarter to fund their pensions and keep Saturday delivery.

Our culture would be far richer if celebrities appeared on game shows rather than talk shows. And by “game shows” I mean “Double Dare.”

WiFi debuts today in NYC's subway system. Yeah that's what the subways needed. Not new equipment, not cleaning the filthy stations. No. Let's give self absorbed assholes the ability to annoy the fuck out of everyone by forcing people to listen to their meaningless conversations. #anotherreasonIhatethisfuckingcity

A pinky ring is a man's way of saying, "I'm all the woman I need."
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Enough with your inspirational quotes. It's nice that you are inspired by cheesy stuff like this photo, but keep it to yourself please. I'm inspired by cheeseburgers but you don't see me posting about them. #iprobablyhateyou #inandoutburgersmakemewanttospreadmywingsandsoar