May 8, 2013

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth An Update


annoying people of the day: bartenders who call themselves "mixologists"

The look on my boss' face when I tell him he has to fly coach. Priceless.

Gift trends for 2013 holiday season: emerald jewelry, baking gear, and tubal litigation.

If I knew it was going to be like this when I arrived home, I would have picked up an ark while in the Holy land.

One of the coaches from "Rudy" cut me off in traffic this morning so I rolled down my windows, started a slow-clap and chanted "Ruh-lee." Until he was very uncomfortable.

Facebook: "We've made some updates to how your timeline looks"
Me: "Oh, you mean you made Facebook look exactly how it used to, like when everyone liked it?"

If it takes you more than an hour to get ready, you might not be as cute as you think.

I'm interviewing Michael J. Fox on Friday and you're out of your fucking mind if you think I'm not going to ask him 300 questions about Teen Wolf and that episode of Family Ties where Alex gets all wired on speed and OWNS the Keatons' weekly Monopoly game.

my phone's battery is only at 12% so yeah i'm basically on house arrest

This sign was meant to be instagrammed
This sign was meant to be instagrammed