Today's TFLN Features

(312): You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
(384): How come?
(312): Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
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(212): ??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
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(415): Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
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(718): OMG. Drunk.
(662): I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
(718): Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
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(414): hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
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(973): On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
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(775): Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
(1-775): What!?!?! How are you txting?!
(775): Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
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(312): he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
(313): you mean his girlfriend
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(859): im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
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(516): Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
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(508): So how was he last night?
(617): Five-minute foot-long.
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