We Were Drug Addicts Before We Were Drug Addicts

When I was younger, I really really REALLY thought I was cool when I smoked candy cigarettes. In fact, Brianne used to tell me that when I grew up, I'd be a smoker. Damn you. These candy cigarettes weren't the only "gateway" drug as far as I'm concerned...there were many more items that influenced the adults we were to become. I don't care if you lived in Paterson on 8th street or on a Wisteria Lane-ish street complete with white picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. You are all going to relate. Shall we?
Crystal Meth Sugar Lollis
When you really wanted to be bad as a kid, all you had to do was ingest a lil' bit o'sugar. If you didn't develop type 2 diabetes from sucking on these, you're lucky.









Pixie Stix
Anyone want to do a line? This fantabulous invention of "candy" came from Sir Willy Wonka himself. The best way to eat these was to just pour the entire contents right into your mouth, for quick absorption into your blood stream. Oh...yea...feels good.




Candy Cigarettes
First of all, why did these exist? Everyone had issues with Joe Camel having a big impact on kids smoking at a young age - but they're all wrong. Normal breathing = boring. Cool inhaling and smoke exhaling = awesome. These candy cigarettes allowed for that intial thrill, but quickly turned to a chalky taste...I suppose much like a metaphor for the actual addiction to cigarettes.




Mega Warheads
These candies are the reason bullies exist. I'm convinced. Ok, so maybe they didn't promote actual drug use, but it definitely promoted peer pressure on the playground. I remember actually losing the sensation in many a tastebud after trying to keep this in my mouth for more than 30 seconds (that's what she said?) And do you remember the tagline? "Nuclear explosion in your mouth." Riiiiight.



Big League Chew
What better way to combine steroids and chewing tobacco? Targeted mostly for young boys, this candy allowed future professional baseball players to emulate the actions of their current idols. Later, when this product was no longer "cool," we all switched to sunflower seeds....yea, "we all" -- I played softball.



Wax Tube Juice?
I didn't know if I should attempt to eat these or just rave with them. GHB in a wax tube, anyone? Do these glow in the dark? I mean WHAT are these things?