Today's TFLN Features

(401): we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
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(305): Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
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(608): Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
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(405): Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
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(847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out
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(718): so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
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(508): i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
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(732): ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
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(281): ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
(214): Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
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(708): the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out
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(757): If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
(269): Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
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(206): I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
(253): Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
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(314): Most awkward sex ever...
(314): And im texting you in the middle.
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(514): you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
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(502): Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
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(949): Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
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(612): What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
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(830): If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
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(508): my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
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(908): im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
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(478): Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
(706): Try anal, it works wonders.
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(978): i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frightened
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(850): come over anyways, right now, right this second
(850): it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
(561): wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
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(612): im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
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(914): I faked an abortion last night.
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(434): why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
(540): you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets
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