Today's TFLN Features

Via...Texts From Last Night

(203): I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
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(914): i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
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(631): peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
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(919): please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
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(612): i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
(401): at least we're not in new jersey
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(614): She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
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(913): omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
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(620): my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
(785): you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
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(954): Your an asshole
(1-954): Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
(954): My point exactly
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(814): i already hear my dad disowning me
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(412): I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
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(813): you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
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(480): hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
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(303): am i morally bankrupt?
(970): no. its just the recession
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(408): the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
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(201): we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
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(770): Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
(404): Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
(770): Fuck. Wron person. But yea
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(512): I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
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(708): i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
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(913): Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
(1-913): You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you
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(831): 'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
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(403): she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
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(845): I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
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(303): She went from zero to smokin in five shots
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(407): please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
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(207): things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
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(406): my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
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(803): My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be "my last abortion tickled," that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
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(410): He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
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(203): How did you manage that?
(860): Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
(203): lol... jersey girls rock
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(913): U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
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(609): Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
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(610): how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
(212): enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
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(314): So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
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(907): I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
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(512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
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(917): Um, that's called prostitution
(773): Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
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(913): So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
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(415): I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
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(612): I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
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(910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
(910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
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(413): so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
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(330): what are you wearing?
(703): Just my guilt
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