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(301): i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
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(925): is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
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(931): Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight
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(540): I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
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(832): I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
(303): Knowing your life, probably not.
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(240): Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
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(804): omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
(804): He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
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(917): I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
(740): enter at your own risk
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(281): I just know... :) goodntight
(1-281): Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
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(508): Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
(617): Where are you?
(508): Strip Club
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(406): also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
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(412): When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
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(323): how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
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(516): Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
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(302): it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
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(313): Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
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(931): Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight
---
(540): I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
---
(832): I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
(303): Knowing your life, probably not.
---
(240): Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
---
(804): omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
(804): He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
---
(917): I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
(740): enter at your own risk
---
(281): I just know... :) goodntight
(1-281): Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
---
(508): Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
(617): Where are you?
(508): Strip Club
---
(406): also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
---
(412): When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
---
(323): how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
---
(516): Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
---
(302): it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
---
(313): Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
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(419): There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
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(910): He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
(910): I think that's fair trade off
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(703): i really like this girl i slept with last night
(202): you ask her out again?
(703): yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
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(630): do you know how bad I want you right now?
(1-630): As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
(630): is that a hint?
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(914): im gay
(203): i know
(914): yea but for you.
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(910): He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
(910): I think that's fair trade off
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(703): i really like this girl i slept with last night
(202): you ask her out again?
(703): yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
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(630): do you know how bad I want you right now?
(1-630): As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
(630): is that a hint?
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(914): im gay
(203): i know
(914): yea but for you.
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