Some Status Updates are Worth a Mention - 60

Yes, there's only like five because you people are slacking!

• I just snapped into a Slim Jim but now I don't know how to get Randy Macho Man Savage to leave my house. Any thoughts?
• is being stalked by a cab driver from Vegas...probably shouldn't have given him my phone number.
• .. sooooooooo, actual, real, cocaine has been found in Red Bull. Shocker ... not.
• is trying to dominate your news feed with stupid test results
• wants the girl with the hurt foot who's laying nearby to shut up about her mother