December 17, 2009

MTV: Jersey Shore Episode Four | Zlata's Thoughts

Here we are. Third week - fourth episode. We already know that the clip where Snooki gets punched in the face is being cut from the season.

To recap last week's ending, Ronnie and Snookie were all over each other at the bar, professing their undying love to one another. Remember? "I thought the Jersey Shore was the best thing to happen to me but it's not...YOU are," said Ronnie. Cut to: Ronnie dancing with a blonde. Cut to: Sammi giving her number to a guy because she "ain't tryin' to be played out like that." Cut to: JWoww telling Ronnie he needs to "check his girl." Cut to: Ronnie bustin' out da club to go home. Cut to: JWoww being all like 'oh man, I don't want Ronnie to be alone - I'm gonna go back home to "make sure he's ok"' Cut to: Sammi thinking Ronnie and JWoww left together.

AAAAND: ACTION.

Ronnie left with JWoww? NO - "I'm gonna knock a bitch up" says Sammi. She goes into the room to find Ronnie laying in bed and asks JWoww if they hooked up. JWoww answers "no" but is actually thinking "not yet." JWoww secretly wants Ronnie - except it's not really a secret. It's obvious to all the viewers. Ronnie tells Sammi to go back to her cop and Sammi tells Ronnie to go back to all the bitches on the dance floor.
--Can we dissect this? If you ACTUALLY like someone. Like, REALLY like them - then you're NOT going to want drama, ok? DO NOT give your number to another guy because you want him to think you're wanted by other people. Ronnie, pick up your skirt, grab your balls and go over to your girl if you see her talking to another guy. Sammi, don't be a skank and talk to other men with the OBVIOUS intention of making him jealous. Guess what happens when you have mutual respect for your partner? NOTHING. NONE OF THIS DRAMA.

Sammi is at first acting all ghetto-fied like "Oh hellllll no. No you diiii'iiint" Then she starts sobbing, "This isn't a joke Ronnie; you don't understand how much I like you." People, PEOPLE -- this is just a misunderstanding. I know I'm dissecting this too much but I just CANNOT with the emotions. It's unbelievable. You know why it's so good? Because it's relatable. You're watching this right now, like I am, and you're thinking "Holy shit, remember when we used to act like that?"
Also, is Ronnie crying?

THERE HE IS!!!!!n"I have girls coming back here all the time. There's not a time when I don't have girls coming back here. Girls love The Situation" Guess what Mike? That's leftover girl. Not only is it leftover girl, it's also the girl over whom Ronnie and Sammi are fighting. You know what else? She's wearing fluorescent pink pants. One more thing - you were a LOT cooler to me when you were a sweetheart. That's the REAL you - not this overcompensating douche.

Can I ask you guys something? What would this show be without that hot tub? Think about it. Anyway, these bimbos go into the hot tub with bras and underwear and even though Pauly D. aka Billy Wo thought the girls were acting kind of stupid (his words) they still made the best of the situation like they always do (also his words.) In other words, these bimbos were stupid and fugtastic, but still probably easy enough to screw for the sake of screwing. "Pauly is hookin' up with his girl; I'm hooking up with my girl and we're gonna have sex. And that's the situation" Thanks for letting us know.

They go upstairs and each of the two boys, who are also roommates, have each of the two girls in their beds. One girl wouldn't let Pauly D. go down her pants because she "had her period." Oh puhlease!!! You know how many times I have said that but didn't mean it? It's because she's NOT really a whorebag and feels stupid guilty for behaving this way. WHICH, by the way, is evidenced by her wanting to leave immediately because "her mom is going to kill her." -- this girl is actually a good girl. The other Jersey Whore was rearing to go. So when Mike realizes there's a problem and Chastity wants to go home, he says in the confessional "Uh, CHILL OUT FRECKLES MCGEE" -- I mean, I LOST it. What kind of a nickname is that???

Ronnie and Sammi are cute in bed together. JWoww, PLEASE fix your hair. Also, she's like NOT pretty. Also, she looks different in EVERY shot. And she has a necklace with a JERSEY charm.
Oh Sammi, stop making it awkward. You're the one who is making it weird. You are INSECURE and need your ego fed. Like a young dog. Or a man. Aw, Ronnie - you're being CUTE. "She makes me happy and that's all I really care about."

By the way, this has all happened in like a week -- all of these happenings. A WEEK. "We smushed" says Ronnie. I LOVE HIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. SMUSHED!

The boys decided to go get haircuts, workout and go tanning. They need to look "fresh to death" as Pauly likes to say. Ronnie won't kiss and tell about his relationship with Sammi and I obviously love him for that. His mom did a pretty good job right there. He says, "Mike would bring home a Gatorade bottle right now if it had a pulse." - a jab at Mike's lack of intricate selection of female specimen. And you know who looks the best here? Vinny. That's right - because he realizes the ridiculousness of the conversation and leaves the barber shop. He may as well leave the Jersey Shore because he doesn't really belong at Seaside. I think he's more of a Belmar boy.

Snooki!!! Actually, WHAT is Snooki? I can't figure out her roots. "The friggen duck phone" The group is going to Karma and "like, Karma...that is my fucking spot on Saturdays. If I say I'm gonna go wild, I'm gonna go wild." - Let's DO THIS Snooki. You know what else happens at Karma on Saturdays? Bitches be gettin' knocked da fuck out. That's what. Snooki is doing backflips, roundhouses, etc - dancing like a maniac. I gotta say, if I could do backflips, that'd be like, my ONLY dance moves. I'd incorporate it into everything I did. If I needed another drink at the bar, I'd backflip there. I'm not kidding.

So JWoww is sorry about cheating on Tommy, but then decides that since she's shopped Strawberry today, she was going to wear the hideous ensemble out to da club and dance her fanny off with Pauly D.
When Snooki dances, it looks like she's trying to keep up with her breasts. She's like forever trying to keep up with her boobs. This fistpumping is INSANITY. They're beating up the song? Is that what he just said? I can't.

The swapping of spit -- Look, I used to be a makeout whore like the best of them - but Pauly D has a game plan for it? These men are to thank for the spread of Mono. Poor Mike - he's just so pathetic. Its SO annoying to me. "Yea we got nothing else, might as well bring these two home." -- nice. So get this - as they're walking home with these two chicks, another two chicks in a Mercedes convertible pull up and the boys started talking to THEM, leaving the initial two girls! Like WHAT WHAT WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!

Everyone left Snooks, so she had Russ walk her home. She said he wasn't really her type but honestly Snooks, I'd take what I could get if I were you. And I thought Russ was pretty attractive anyway! So they get lost and Snookie's like, "whatever, I guess I'll just go to the beach." Really?! Like, if I get lost on my way back to my apartment should I be like,"Oh well, I guess I'll just go chill in Central Park and watch the sunrise!"

Back at the house, these two Mercedes driving, Gucci toting girls made it clear they weren't getting in the hot tub. Mike brought it up like every two seconds. THAT'S your game, Mike? The hot tub is not ALWAYS going to be a catalyst for sex. Why don't you try being a normal gentleman and see what happens then? You sound like a TOOL. I HATE SAMMI for making you this laaaaaaame.
Cut to: the two original girls coming back to the "Jersey Shore" house (was it the producers who told them where it was??) and make themselves look like toolbags. Why would you come back to the house? You're pathetic.

So here's "The Situation" - they have the WILLING downstairs girls who they initially left for the now-UNWILLING upstairs girls. So now these chicks who were initially turned down end up coming up and Mike's wish of hot tubbing with chicks has the potential to come true. He refers to Pauly's girl, the not as attractive one, a "grenade." WHAT is that? "When you go into battle, you need to have some friends with you so if a grenade goes off, you have someone to get it first."

If I was this blonde chick, I would be SO MORTIFIED on so many levels. You just got called busted on MTV and you're being REALLY annoying and you're friend just left you. Alone. Then you walk upstairs and stop your friend from hooking up. Oh my god. This is painful. Truly. This is painful to watch. "You better call me!!" said the one who left her friend. I'm actually laughing out loud. He'll call you. Count on it.

Snookie and Russ are on the beach and a plower-thing is clearing the sand. I'm laughing because I have been in this exact situation. I'm just laughing man -- this show. It's incredible. She keeps calling him RON. But his name is RUSS. I love her.

JWoww gets a call from Tommy who says he knows about her dancetrosity with Pauly D. Oh Tommy. Chill out. Snookie's mom is coming to visit! I don't want to say anything mean - but that's not Snooki's mom. I won't believe it. I will not. That's all I'll say about that.

The group goes out on the boardwalk and then end up at a bar where they're having just a grand ol' time. They noticed that around them were these "typical fraternity college losers" - at certain points they were all over the group trying to hang out and the groups yelling all over the place to get shots and drinks and the guys ended up taking the group's drinks. Ok people. It's a misunderstanding. All fights are over misunderstandings on this show. The Frat boy realized he took the shots so he ended up getting more The Situation. Pablo and Snooki weren't having that or didn't get that and Snooki was being all tough in Fratty's face. Fratty didn't like that and BLACKOUT.
Or:
Jersey Shore,MTV

Ok this is like serious man. He punches this chick out, obviously realizes he's in BIGTIME trouble. I think it was an honest accident. I don't fault this guy. She was instigating and he was wasted and didn't THINK properly?? Since MTV was getting a lot of flack for almost airing that clip, they ended the episode with an epilogue regarding Violence against Women. I mean, come ON. He wasn't beating up on a woman like some boyfriends/husbands BEAT UP on their girlfriends/wives. I'm sorry guys, you may not agree with my thoughts - but those are them.

Why are they going to show NEXT week when JWoww punches?? Women on Women crime is bad too, no?

Wow, I'm tired. It takes me like 1.5 hours to watch this show.

till next time!
Frat boy quickly realizes