January 19, 2010

American Idol Season 9 Interactive Review | Auditions Day 5 and 6

Hiiiii! Missed you guys.
On this episode, American Idol travels to Chicago. Based on the clip montage, we're in for a lot of cursin' mothafuckers.

Zlata's Random Thoughts: Like you know what American Idol, cut to the chase here. I'm really not interested in the HISTORY of the city you're in. Followed by a psuedo-political rally. Followed by an introduction to Shania Twain, lasting about five minutes. By the way, if I had to guess, all these guest judges are sure to perform at some point on stage during the season. . . Wait for it...

The first girl up, Katelyn Epperly, is really pretty! She has a bit of a sad story, where her father just up and left her mother and Simon holds a quasi-therapy session. She does a really great job and goes through to H-Wood.

Zlata's Random Thoughts: Look, I know I have a state of the art television set, purchased upon moving to NYC, with savings. But even I cannot handle the clarity and HDness. I can see Simon Cowell's PORES. I can see all of Kara's little bumps on the face, sweat -- I mean, the lighting is nuts. I can see EVERY imperfection. I don't like it. I want a regular TV again.

Amy Lang is a 26-year-old chick who has a dream of being a singer. Although she's heavyset, I still think her face is really pretty and like her general attitude. I really think she's going to do a good job!
WAIT, I THOUGHT SHE ACTUALLY FAINTED. I'm not kidding. This is the funniest thing! And she does a little dance with her boobs, coined "boob boxing" by Kara. I may or may not try that out later.
ACTUAL VOTE: No (which I can't believe. I thought she was good)

Zlata's Thoughts: Is this fucking real? Tell me right now. I'm not trying to be an asshole, but is this guy not all there or is he wasted?
"I'm here to support"

Charity Vance is 16 and stemps from Little Rock, AK. Her parents are both hairdressers. She sings well. It's already obvious. Actually, her voice is really too piercing and high pitched. I'm not into it, but think she'll make it.

The bad ones are just too funny! OMG. It's tooo too good!!! "He was wrong about Jennifer Hudson and he's wrong about me."

Angela Martin is auditioning for the third time. I REMEMBER THIS GIRL. She's not giving up. At all. I love her dedication. It's really inspiring. But her mullet is not. She's obviously going through because she's already made the top 50 before. The only reason they're doing a little profile on her is so we remember that when she makes it to the top-top stages. Called it.

Zlata's Random Thoughts: Kara tells Angela "Pay ure tickets gurrrl" - in case nobody picked up on that. But when she's around Italians she's all like "Oh Marrrron!" and shit. Like, IDENTIFY YOURSELF Kara.
Also, I'm SO OVER those triangular plaid scarves that peeps wear. It doesn't make you a hipster.
Also, you know what's absolutely wonderful about Ryan Seacrest? He's such a little fucker. But a good little fucker. The guy who is thinking funny thoughts about people in his head, but who is talented enough to not let them show on his face. Are you picking up what I'm putting down here, people?

Curley Newborn walks in to perform Maxwell. Is. he. serious? This 600 pound big guy, who I'd assume to have a deep voice, has quite the opposite! First of all, if I auditioned and heard them snickering, I'd straight up stop and just await the forthcoming ridicule.

Brian Krauss, 27, Pittsburgh, PA. He's going to do Tiny Tim. I don't know what is happening. He's acting. This isn't real. The judges actually call him out and make him swear on his mother's life that his performance was indeed, real. He ISN'T REAL, IS HE???? What do you guys think????

Harold Davis has spirit and soul. "I'm tired of eating microwave dinners. I want to eat steak." I think it's horrific. Does anyone else agree? I feel the judges are feelin' him? Phew, a NO from the judges.

John Park is a student, but he thinks he's the next American Idol! I think he'll be good. I'm down with a good Asian singer. For real. HE'S GREAT!!! Boring song, but his voice is sensational. There were just tons of "That's what she said" moments in Shania's little review. Hysterical. I love his friends. I love him. I'm so into this kidddddd.

Paige Duchasse has a huge family supporting her. She had really bad asthma when she was young and almost didn't survive. Now this girl is about to belt. I just know it. She sings "Change is Gonna Come" and knocks it out da park. She's super pretty too - great sultry voice. I'm into it. Simon says no. Kara and Shania say yes. It's down to Randy. And ...

These people at the end aren't bad really. Seacrest just set that up as if they were about to suck.
Out of all those people, only 13 from Chicago made it through. Out of 12,000. I mean, is that not insanity?