January 7, 2010

MTV: Jersey Shore Episode Five | Zlata's Thoughts

Ok. Let's get this party started! Granted, I've already started the party because I've had some wine and some whatnot.
Wow. What a buzzkill. My DVR stopped working and I missed 17 minutes of the show. I had to be on the phone with Time Warner Cable. Annoyingness. So I don't know where I'm at now - Snooki is in the back of a car and testing boys?

"So hard to find a good man these days. That's why I date women." - Pauly D. LOVE him.
Ronnie wants to be left alone - but I don't know why. I'm phoning a friend. Seriously.
Ok so wait - Sammi is mad at Ronnie because he made fun of her toe?!?! ARE YOU SERIOUS? Wait till you're 45-years-old and married. Then tell me what you're fighting about. "That's the worse thing you can possibly say," says Sammi. I mean -- He said you had a Fred Flinstone toe. WHO CARES? Do you know how many people make fun of my feet? Like, aside from my friends - do you know how many pedicures I get a year? Sammi, grow the eff up! You are soooo insecure...but WHY?

So Ronnie tries to apologize to Sammi and let her know how much he cares about her and she's making way too big of a deal about this toe thing. Which, DUH, she is. Apparently, she just enjoys wallowing in shit, piss and drama because she walks away from him after all this and now - it's over. Their big love-encompassing relationship is over. And just like that, Ronnie's in creep mode.
I didn't know "creep" could be used as a verb to mean "find ass." I love it! No wonder so many status updates on Facebook have been "Creepin" -- ha!

So now Sammi realizes she's a boner and after finding out Ronnie left to Karma to creep - she just KNOWS he's coming back with a "bitch". But alas, Ronnie leaves early to make up with Sammi. "I'll suck on your big toe right now if you want." LOVE HIM. Like if a guy said that to me, I'd realize within seconds how silly I was behaving. And then put my toe in his mouth. I kid, I kid.

Snooki, you're so classy. "Jerkoff" "Lick my ass" -- I mean, these are the words of a well-groomed lady.

Alex shows up to hang out with The Situation, but she has two "bodyguards" with him ... one of whom is the same "grenade" that was there last time. Grenade Launcher. Grenade. I just LOVE this lingo.

Ok. The fight that just took place between Snooki and the other girls is just too funny. First of all, why is that pretty girl hanging out with two fat and ugly girls? That's not right. Secondly, Snooki went to go kick these girls out to be the "cool girl" in the house to the boys, but really - it wasn't nice, which gives Grenade a point - they WERE invited back there. They shouldn't have been kicked out. But Grenade shouldn't have called Snooki a "nasty-ass bitch" - that wasn't nice either. Also, Grenade and Grenade launcher, you are the FURTHEST thing from a character who would get a recurring role on this show - the complete odd ones out. I'm not entirely sure why you're acting all "Italian" and needing to have MEN hold you back. NOT cool, hombres. Just get outta there and call it a day. "Fat hippos" -- teehee. "I'll ROCK your world" OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG THAT FAT GIRL IS SERIOUSLY SMACKING THESHIT OUT OF SNOOKI. WHY ARE THEY SHOWING THIS???? Also, why IS HER GUT SO BIG. ALSO - Sammi just said what I said !!! "You don't even look Italian" -- like, SERIOUSLY - I called that. That Alex girl gets arrested. Oh, Mike - you really pick the winners!
"I mean, these broads just probably smelled the food at the house"

Vinny is just the cutest ever. His WHOLE family comes! I just love it. With four trays of food. Honestly, I want to marry Vinny. As for Snooki's comment about a true Italian woman never wanting to sit down and wanting to please everyone else at the table - I will say this: my mom is the exact same way. And I love her. But my mom doesn't eat by herself. Ok actually, Vinny's mom is my mom. Exactly. Brings me food, always wants to clean, take care of me. I just LOVE Vinny's fam. And my mom.

So now they're at Beachcombers. I don't know if it's the way MTV edited it, but though Pauly D DID look reserved and trying to stay away from a "fight" - I didn't really see what the fight was. Just some guy at a bar asking what they know about Seaside, right? Am I missing something? Am I being gullible? Like, if a guy asked me that at a bar I wouldn't automatically think he's "Talking shit" and wanting to cause problems, right?! But Pauly D had a bad vibe about him and heard the guys call them all douchebags.

"You need to live it up!" says Snooki. Then demands a family meeting so people can say whatever they want to say. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? If Sammi and Ronni want to spend their time with each other even though there's (gasp!) two weeks left, that's their prerogative. Why do you care? Why do you need to bring drama into it? It's jealousy, Ronnie is totally right.

Pauly D and Mike decide to go back to the house and start calling girls to see if they'll come over. Mike looks so bad on this show with his need to creep, but Pauly D really isn't a prince charming either. One girl even HUNG UP on The Situation! Love it.

Ronnie and Sammi leave the bar and walk home to find that douche (now I get it - he WAS being a douche) talking smack to them. Sammi and Ronnie just try and avoid confrontation. Well, actually - Ronnie tried to avoid confrontation, but Sammi was instigating the whole thing. "What is that, a fake Louis Vuitton bag?" she asks the Douche's girlfriend. WHY? Do you want it to match the FAKE Chanel bag you have? Like what kind of dig is that you asshole? So this whole fight breaks out between Ronnie and this douche and his girlfriend. Sammi fucking SUCKS because she antagonized the guy and now RONNIE's the one dealing with the consequence and where the fuck is she??? Off to the side somewhere? Ronnie did NOT want to get in this fight! "My heads just spinnin' and I just didn't know what to do!"

So Ronnie beats the shit out of this guy. Literally, he beat the shit out of him. The name of the victim with whom Ronnie brawled on the boardwalk is not being released, but he did lose consciousness the night of the fight. Ronnie spent a few hours in jail after being arrested and had to pay a $600 bail.
Pauly D and Situation get to the scene a little too late. RONNIE IS TOO GOOD FOR SAMMI. She doesn't really love Ronnie. She doesn't. God he is so hot.
Straight up Ronnie goes, "That kid.... Yea, that kid. I beat the fucking shit out of him." YEA YOU DID RONNIE! His Roid Rage is such a turn on for me.

"You traumatized me." - THIS POOR GIRL JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED.

I don't watch the after-show.