January 3, 2010

MTV's Jersey Shore | Episode 5 Recap

Ok kids. Here we are - Episode five of MTV's Jersey Shore. They aired this episode on New Year's Eve, so perhaps you didn't see it yet. Get there.

If you recall last week, Snooki got knocked the EFF out. You might have also seen that JWoww is wearing Chanel earrings. That's something that really bothers me. You're not fooling anyone into thinking those are real. What's the point? I digress.

So Snooki gets knocked out and all but The Situation are phased by this situation. Vinny is the most concerned one because he's the biggest gentleman on the planet. The rest of the boys are testosteroned-up ready to kick some ass. Snooki loves the drama and needs to just calm it down a little bit. I'm not trying to say that it wasn't ridiculous that she got punched, but she's really freaking out too much - and it's BECAUSE she loves to be the center of attention. The Situation, when he attempts to pick up girls, talks with a serious accent.

When Ronnie goes to console Snooki, he says, "You know we love you, right Snooks?" She says, "No I don't." Like get a clue, Snooks! Stop being so insecure! It's downright silly, I say. Apparently, everyone is just now THAT tighter of a family because someone tried to take down a member of La Familia. Got it. And of COURSE, though Ronnie is genuinely a nice guy - he still needs to give a dig to The Situation to Sammi, showing us, the audience, that he's still a LITTLE insecure.

Sammi is going to meet Ronnie's parents for the first time. She takes a really long time getting ready and says, "I want them to think like, wow, she's like so pretty and everything." -- Really? Is THAT what you want the parents of your boyfriend to think of you? Why don't you say something like, "hey, I hope that I come off smart and cool so that his parents think I'm a really great!" Anyway, she already showed herself in a bad light because it took her forever to get ready. How freakin' RUDE of her. It's so obvious she's extremely self-conscious. Ah, to be young again.

Snooki finds out that Mike Tyson was released on bail and she goes drama-mode. Relax, Snooki. You're not going to see him again, if you do - he's not going to do anything to you. But her woes are quickly forgotten when JWoww asked her to go tanning?! I mean, you're at the Jersey Shore - why aren't you at the beach? I'm serious.

Pauly D wants to go to Karma to guest DJ. "Girls love a DJ. Once they see me behind the wheels of steel, they better watch out."

The Situation's eyebrows get thinner each episode, no? He also has completely changed since the first episode. It's absolutely official. He used to be soooo nice and gentlemanly. Now, he's just a guy who needs to boost his ego up by sleeping with the most women." Like, his egotistical-homeostasis notch goes up with each new woman he sleeps with.

Mike is cooking a feast Surf and Turf dinner for Snooks and the family. Snooki says,"I'm a vet tech. I don't kill animals, I save them. That's why I don't eat lobster and stuff like that. Because they're alive when you kill it." -- REALLY?? WHAT ISN'T ALIVE WHEN YOU KILL IT? I get what she's SAYING, but still. "I tried to eat, but I couldn't put it in my freakin' mouth because I'm disabled." - I can't. Haha.

A the Cove, everyone is having a really great time partying it up. Vinny is just the best! He makes me laugh. Pauly D says, "My hair didn't move an inch and I was in and out of the water. My hair is windproof, waterproof, soccer proof, motorcycle proof - Im not sure if my hair is bulletproof - but I'm not willing to try that."

Ronni and Sammi aren't "partying" because they're not out and about flirting with other people and drinking? My thoughts are - even if you're a couple, you don't need to be ON each other 24/7. If you're secure in your relationship, as you claim to be, than you should be able to party and hang and talk to the opposite sex. There should be no reason that you're MISERABLE and NOT partying with the rest of your friends. I mean, that's why people think relationships are the killer of fun. I disagree. If I was in that kind of relationship, I'd get out of it. Word.

The Situation is PATHETIC. I'm sorry but you are just SO different now than how I thought of you initially. I am SAD. "I'd rather do sweet things for you, instead of just come home and hook up. It's a different situation." That's why The Situation is not only taking the Brazilian girl to lunch - but ALSO dinner. Wow.

"They're smart and everything, but I still think they want to hook up. I think it will take a few times of seeing them to hook up. They're not like, whores." = Pauly D.
This is where I have THOUGHTS, QUESTIONS, Etc. WHAT makes a girl a "girl/human being" and "respectable" - as Vinny says. HOW do you know when to treat a woman like a WOMAN or when you're going to treat them like "whores." WHAT is it?

JWoww gets in a fight with some girls because they called Snooki fat...or all of them fat? I dunno. Transparency ensues when everyone boosts up JWoww's ego for fighting with these other girls. She's all like, "What happened, what did she say?" so that everyone will keep repeating the stories. "I am used to taking shots with the owners after beatin' bitches up." My question is - why isn't THIS a big deal? SHE was assaulting someone. Shouldn't she be getting arrested?

Pauly D is the "ultimate guido," as Ronnie says. He really has the Italian flag colors on EVERYTHING. He's adorbs to me though. The lunch and dinner girl douches over The Situation. By the way, The Situation and Pauly D are now known as "The Problem and The Situation."

JWoww's boyfriend delivers her the rarest roses and Ronnie says to us, "Tom I don't know what you think you're doing bro. I would give her shit and bubblegum. I would give her a picture of my cock and bubblegum with a note that says 'Chew on this'."

So JWoww is wearing STRAIGHT UP underwear to the club. Sammi and Ronnie leave because they wanted to go bang. Mike shows off numbers he's getting. Snooki is bopping around. Vinny starts talking to a cougar. He says he's the youngest person in the house, but also the most mature. That's a FACT. He's going to be the BEST hubby! Cougar ends up being Danny's date! He's not going to evicted. Get over it.

Can't wait for next week!! Two fights and The Situation's sister!