May 3, 2010

The Real Housewives of New Jersey 1

Ok you guyz - let's DO THIS MOTHER!!! I'm so freakin' excited for the Real Housewives of New Jersey to be back on the air. It feels like it's been forever and a day since Teresa knocked over the table, making television history.

Though I haven't been reading any gossip surrounding what they've done since last year's season finale, I have picked up a little bit of insight for myself and have already started making predictions. I saw the ladies on Leno last week and I just think that these women have changed since last season. First of all, the only three guests were Jackie, Caroline and Teresa. I'm not sure where Dina was and I sure as hell am not even sure Danielle is even alive anymore - I've seen NOTHING in the media about her. (I went to see the Housewives in November in Montclair and she wasn't there) In any event, all three of the ladies were looking extremely svelte and I just think perhaps the publicity has gone to their heads a little. Meaning, no longer are they "Jersey" - but now they're "Hollywood Jersey". Do you know what I mean? With that in mind, I am starting my DVR'd premiere episode of the Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Wow. The recap just brought back a lot of emotion for me! "Let me tell you something about my family ... " ahhhh so excited right now!! I'm not proofreading this blog before I post it and am admitting probable diarrhea of the mouth, writing in a stream of conscience.

We start with Jacqueline's home video of her giving birth. Well, not the actual act - but that's the scene. Nicholas, her newborn son, has brought the family closer and helped facilitate being drama free. Ok then.

Dina needs to get rid of Grandma Wrinkles. It's scarytimes. She thinks her cats are zen. I think cats are the devil and I don't really trust people who like cats. That's the truth. She says she's been staying away from Danielle and trying keep only positivity in her life. Ah, Danielle - what's up? It says in the Bible "God Can't Help You If You Don't Ask." Ok then.
I'm really confused so far - I feel like the tone being set is solemn or something. I didn't realize it was going to pick up frankly exactly where it left off. It feels like Bravo is trying to put them in awkward situations (Danielle with Priest???) so each woman can give their snippet version of what happened in the past x months. Does that make sense? I'm creeped out with the music and Danielle's visit to a Black Father in New Jersey. I mean, I don't GET IT.

At Teresa's, the entire family is making red sauce. LOVE this tradition. They make 180 jars of sauce. For the full year. Are you understanding this? I forgot Teresa's preggers! And her daughter's an anti-Semite. Got it.

Wow. Albert lost SO MUCH WEIGHT. He looks like a COMPLETELY different person. I cannot even HANDLE this. Caroline is giddy over his handsome look! It's adorbsville. Albie "Dad's lost like three people. Like, three actual people." Oh Albie, I forgot how much I loved you.

Jacqueline (whose name is hard to type out) is getting lectured by her hubs about staying away from Danielle basically. Of course, he's going to be swayed by the two sisters, but I understand his point. Also Jacqueline needs to chill the fucks out with the plastic surgery. For realz. Chris wants Danielle out of their lives, but Danielle isn't going to turn her back on someone, she says.

Milania's first day of school and she's super excited. Teresa already taught her to say "Fabulous". and decked her out in Zebra print. I can't even. I do feel bad that she has no nanny, taking care of all these girls alone and is eight months pregnant. That's nuts! I'd rage out.

Danielle talks to a store owner about her personal life. Apparently, they're friends. Because they bring pasta over when someone breaks a leg? Weirdness.

Ashley moved out of the house. Literally, her parents said "These are the rules of the house, if you don't like them, you can move out." And she did. Um, what? My parents have said that to me a million times but they wouldn't actually ever LET that happen. I don't see this as normal right now. Maybe to others reading this it seems fine, but to me - this is just plain weird. It's too young. Like, go to college and move out. Don't just move out and not have a plan. She doesn't even know how to open up a checking account. So she has a 23-year-old boyfriend named Derrick. Poor Derrick. He has to tell mom and dad that they are being safe during sex. Cut to: Dad sharpening the cooking knife, while telling the poor kid he basically doesn't approve. Ah, this is classic.

After looking at Albert Sr. skinner, I've decided that skinner dads aren't as scary as fatter ones. I was much more intimidated by the fatter Italian man than this skinner one. Does that make sense? Oh Albie - you're so hot. Remember when we took a picture together? No? Let me remind you:

Danielle. I feel so sad for you. You are going around telling EVERYONE your defense and talking about this all around town -- and NO ONE ELSE in the situation is caring. She goes to a pedicurist who gives her all the gossip! Pathetic. So she's sitting here telling this barely-English speaking pedicurist the drama around this and how she'd move on if she just heard an apology from them. Like in Danielle's mind she's thinking "Maybe this pedicurist will go back and tell him this." Get a clue! She's obviously so itching to be friends with them again. She looks so pathetic, I feel bad for her. THIS PEDICURIST DOESN'T CARE. Like, WHERE ARE YOUR REAL TRUE FRIENDS, DANIELLE??? She is telling her kids about all of this drama. These POOR KIDS. Like, why do they need to hear her drama? So she says they're going for a ride and I'm freaking out just a little that she's going to show up at this party that she wasn't invited to.

Turns out, this store owner, who's "really great friends" with Danielle bc she cooks pasta for her when her mother breaks her ankle, is now at this party. She sits down at The Mean Girl's table and begins to throw Danielle under the Waste Management bus. Store Owner Kim's boyfriend, who is WASTED, is also at the table and shares in The Mean Girls' hatred of Danielle. Cut to: Danielle in the car, with her KIDS telling her to calm down, as she - YES, SHE IS DOING IT - drives over to Caroline's party. I CAN'T. Her children are telling her that she's going to make herself look like a jerk. This is like when I was in High School and wanted to drive by Marc Gammon's house just to see if Danielle Hansen's car was there - only to have Brianne tell me that I'm an idiot. Duh, but you just can't help yourself. That's what Danielle is like right now. Like, Danielle - you're only making things worse for yourself. You weren't invited, get over it. I was 17 and so it's excusable now, but you have two kids who are trying to teach YOU the right thing. It's really time to grow up. YOU DO CARE. STOP SAYING YOU DON'T CARE. I CAN'T TAKE YOU.

By the way, Dina is level-headed in her observations that this Kim chick is two-faced. She has a good head on her shoulders.

I'm done.