The Real Housewives of New Jersey 4

After seeing the previews for this episode, I'm already scared of Danielle.  Yikes! Like, who fights with guns in New Jersey? I mean, if you're not in Newark or Trenton.

I can't believe Theresa is packing at the last minute.  "I was feeling pains when I was packing last minute things like makeup, jewelry -- you know, things you want to pack when you're going to the hospital."  FOR REAL?  When I have a baby (God-willing) you best know I ain't gon' be lookin' my hottest, ok?  This is a joke, right? Packing jewelry and makeup when you're going to deliver a baby?  JOE IS DRINKING COFFEE.  He's like not even rushing!  I can't with him.  What kind of man is this, please?  She's making breakfast for her kids.  I can't.  I actually love this woman.  She has five carry on bags and applies lip gloss in the waiting room.  THAT is Theresa.

Caroline looks fantastic, I gotta say.  Albie, you're still hot to me.  Though I heard through a source that he's already dropped out of law school.  I'm not sure about Chris's aspirations about the car wash business, but to each their own.

Ah, Danielle - let the games begin!  Eh, a bit boring.  The daughters are smarter than her, point blank.  I will, however, give her a few points for saying, "We're a family unit and we will support each other through any endeavor."

Back to the hospital, Theresa is just on the phone with everyone and anyone.  Theresa wants diamonds as a gift from Joe for having the baby.  Obviously seeing the movie Blood Diamond, Joe says that he'll have to go to Africa to get the diamonds in the mountains.  Clearly NOT having seen the movie, or knowing anything about life in general, this New Jersey Jessica Simpson says, "Africa!? I never knew they had diamonds there!"  Anyway, I don't think that Joe really likes Theresa or something."  After getting a painful epidural shot, she says to Joe "Is my makeup messed up? How do I look?"  Can you deal?

I don't understand what Jacqueline's kid is smoking.  She says that life coaches are for people who don't have plans and don't know what they want to do with their lives, but she has a plan.  What's her plan?  To take a semester of school off and then transfer somewhere else in the Fall.  Fine.  But when asked what field she wants to be in, she says she likes everything from fashion merchandising to zoology.  I mean, that doesn't strike me as a PLAN.  Am I right, people?  This girl is a serious result of bad parenting.  I think Jacqueline was WAY too easy on her growing up and I'm sure they were like best friends.  This girl would NOT be like this had she been raised by Caroline Manzo.  Just sayin'.

Oh, ok.  Chris wants to have a stripclub car wash.  I get it.  That's definitely a better aspiration than what I thought before.  LOOKALIKE ALERT:  The guy Ed who manages Scores looks like Mikey's real dad on Look Who's Talking - not John Travolta, but the dude who impregnates Kirstie Alley.  Albert was his name me thinks.  Chris seems smart about it all, though.  Power to him.

Theresa is in a LOT of pain and I'm really sad for her.  Joe: "I hope I don't throw up that hamburger." Ok wow.  I can't explain how much I FELT that pain for her.  Even moreso when she asks Joe "What are we naming her?" and he replies "I don't care."  ARE YOU PEOPLE UNDERSTANDING THIS?  Why is he a douchebag?  Last season, I thought he was just pretty cool because he puts up with her and has a lot of patience, but this season I see this disgusting side to him and I can't help but dislike him for his disrespect.

When Jacqueline tells her hubs Chris about the life coach idea for Ashley, he laughs and says that what she really needs is a beating. Dina agrees (one-on-one interview) and says, "Sometimes you need to be hit with a wooden spoon.  Have you ever been hit with a wooden spoon?  Yea ... it doesn't tickle."  HA!

HOLY HELL - Chris has a safe with crazytimes guns inside!  And to think, I was talking about a handgun in the aforementioned previews. Also, I find it hard to believe that Chris never ever showed Jacqueline what was in that safe because it was so private and secretive, only to show it off for all of America on national TV.  Aces!

I already hate Danielle even more since she greets her lunch date with "Hey Lady!"  I HATE HATE HATE when women refer to other women has "lady." So anyway, the owner of this diner's niece has "baby cancer."  This is beyond sad for me right now.  I feel like this whole diner thing is a setup.  Like off-air Danielle was like - "Hey lady! Can you invite me to this Brownstone event so I can pretend I am there for a charitable cause?"  That's how I feel.

So Dina calls a meeting. She wants to talk to Caroline and Jacqueline about whether Dina should talk to Danielle face to face in order to get closure.  Now, something I've learned about Caroline:  Even if she sounds harsh or sounds wrong, she's usually right.  Caroline doesn't think it's necessary.  Jacqueline thinks Danielle hasn't changed in 20 years.  She's only changed her name: Beverly, Meryl, Angela - Staub. " GOOGLE IT"

I'D LIKE TO TAKE THIS COMMERCIAL BREAK TO EXPRESS MY EXCITEMENT FOR BETHENNY'S NEW SHOW - Starts JUNE 10th!

So Chris is at the car wash.  he brings local hoebags to be on TV looking like a slut. To bring in people to get their cars washed.  It's funny and all, but this isn't a cheerleading fundraiser.

Danielle visits her friend Danny and AGAIN brings the magazine that her daughter is on.  We get it.  Over it.  Danny and Danielle have a lot in common.  In fact, John, Danny's friend ALSO has a lot in common with the two of them....they've all been to prison.  Dude, no one cares that you are a big loser who needs to bring an ex-felon to a CHARITY FUNCTION at the Brownstone.

Theresa with her leopard outfit.  I can't handle it. I'm CRYING when Theresa asks Dina to be Audriana's godmother.  I'm EMOTIONAL. I'm into Dina.

Anthony Sr. tells Caroline about Danielle going to the Brownstone.  Caroline calls Danielle out about her "fake" philanthropic agenda.

Scenes: RHONJ Vs. Danielle

Peace out.