The Greatest Poem Ever Written
Are You Sure?
Copyright 2010
By the Reverend Sir Dr. Stephen T. Colbert DFA
Did you hear that? No? You're probably going deaf.
It's your kids back home. Cooking up some crystal meth.
Did you turn off the oven? Did you set the alarm?
They still haven't caught the man with one arm.
Look around at these people. How safe do you feel?
You're car, when you parked, did you lock it?
Thinking reasonably now...what are the odds that no one hears a pick-pocket?
That guy who just coughed down your neck...Could he have an infection?
The restaurant where you went to brunch - did it fail its health inspection?
A mad man could set loose a virus for which there isn't a cure and while these things may be unlikely - ask yourself - are you sure?
And can you be sure...that you won't get ebola from a tainted diet cola toxic waste are getting chased by a bearded Ayatollah.
Funnel clouds inhale, anthrax in the mail, your lover will discover your vestigial tail.
Someone's robbing your house.
I can see through your blouse.
Your mother was right - you chose the wrong spouse.
Unlabeled cranos(?) tornados torpedos the horrible sights of some guidos in Speedos.
STD's, PCB's SUVs, UV Lights
A giant pimple on your face, you have a date tonight
Chocking on a biscotti being whacked by John Gotti
Getting trapped overnight in a full port-o-potty
And I have a final fear to drop in bucket about a friend of a friend of the man from Nantucket.
There once was a man from Eau Claire
Who no one was able to scare
He wouldn't join in on the panics
About this Hispanics
And later he was killed by a bear
Too shorty.
i was hoping someone got all that down!! lol LOVE this :)
ReplyDeleteColbert 2012 !!!!!
FYI - in the final verse, it's Eau Claire. As in Eau Claire, WI. Colbert makes fun of it occasionally.
ReplyDeleteInstead of "hears a pick-pocket" it should be "here's a pick-pocket"
ReplyDeleteIt's unlabeled drainos not unlabled cranos
ReplyDeleteAnd it ends with True Story, not too shorty.
ReplyDelete