September 15, 2011

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth A Mention

Bacardi just took over my bar tab. awesome.

ok so someone from the office in Israel sent a holiday photo with a bunch of our kids - one of whom is VERY OBVIOUSLY making the "bj" face with his mouth and hand. I am a little embarrassed to admit that i noticed immediately, while it took some of my coworkers a while before they saw it. Does this make me immature or just observant?

Hey gas station attendant, don't just slam the nozzle into my car like that. My car's not some floozie with broken heels you met at the bar last night.

Pls don't ask me for favors and try to be my friend. We haven't spoke or hung out in over 10 YEARS! Thank you.

I find it funny when I see a homeless guy check the payphone for change as if someone has actually used it for something other than peeing in or doing drugs in since 2001.

Just found after 15 yrs my cleaning lady doesn't speak English. I guess my mom was right. I really don't listen when people talk.

I would stab a hamster in the face for a good Gelato right now. That's a saying right?

A team of FBI agents is working hard to track down the mysterious cell phone hacker who is in possession of countless more naked pictures of Scarlett Johansson. Their code name for this criminal: "Our New Best Friend."

I haven't owned a car since 1999, but the next one I own *will* have a periscope.

To the 5'4" NON-ASIAN who's been using my name in a valiant attempt to access all the Fashion Week parties, STOP IT.

Emily: "Dominic, do you want to play with my ball?"
Dominic: "I have my own you want to play with my balls?" 

Why are NY Wine and Food Festival Tix so expensive? For 2 people to attend a Pizza party, it's $300. For fucks sakes, I could bring 50 people to Chuckie Cheese's for that much! And they have robotic animals!

I'm making a movie about a housewife shark titled "Chaws" - zing!

Im pretty sure double fisting a bottle of dayquil and an xl coffee is a bad idea.

Happy 3rd anniversary of the failing of Lehman.

Lmaoo at these lil ass dirty crusty dirty weave lil bitches...shit dat u say bout me don't faze me mama....ur all talk dat can't back ur shit wen dat special day come letz see who guna have a great day.....

remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit...