March 12, 2012

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention

You people made me laugh today:

Making my stand up debut tonight and I feel an array of emotions which can be best described as slightly nervous but mostly aroused.

Just finished going through some of the society mags and feel compelled to comment on what some of these men (yes men) will do to get their pictures in print. It all has to do with the costume and the get up. Of course the very odd bowtie is an old trick but now they've gone to extremes. Noted are colored hair in hues thar are not found in nature, tee shirts two sizes too small for the buff ones and one even was wearing a tin crown. We all know about the ladies who want to get photographed but c'mon guys a little dignity please?

What type of weird flamboyant boat was the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man sailing that he needed to dress like that.

Is anyone else a little scared that our future is filled with Snooki's children?!?!?!??!

Today Daylight Savings Time emerged as the clear frontrunner to claim the title as my nemesis. Even more so than the creepy guy who yelled at me in the grocery store for returning a bottle of dented Smart Water to the shelf after I 'tainted' it with my touch.

PR 101: When trying to interest a journalist in your story, don't insult him by saying it's better than the pig sex story he just did.

When I say “The other day” It can mean any time from yesterday, to 364 days ago.

I'm always slightly bummed when my car hits 88mph and I don't travel back in time.

Zlata to a friend: So, are you guys planning on having babies soon?
Friend to Zlata: Not right now, I think we both just want to see how Snooki does first.

Ever wake up in someone else's bed?

And, here's a submission:
Steve Morris Just saw a lesbian couple at five guys. Ironic. I figured lesbians wouldn't like the taste of five guys. Also saw asians fumble with a soda machine. I thought they were more advanced