January 20, 2014

Some Facebook Status Updates are Worth a Mention



I appreciate the importance of parents teaching small children a lesson or wanting them to have a "moment," but is the appropriate time and place a packed airplane with 200 passengers waiting to deplane while your little Taylor screams because she wants to pull her suitcase herself? No really... Squat down and talk to her about patience. This is the perfect time, no one wants to get off the plane.

If I ever find my neighbor smelling like my perfume that they claimed Amazon never delivered, they're getting punched in the neck.

I just saw a dude wearing uggs get arrested. Not sure what for but I'm hoping it was because he was wearing uggs


Spilled coffee all over my hand. Started licking it off. When I noticed people stare, I just pretended I was a cat giving myself a bath.

Starbucks is no longer a coffee venue. It's a selfie photography studio for young white girls.

"Who just joined" is easily the most overused phrase in business today.

6 days, 4 boxes of rice and 2 phones later, my phone has turned back on after a taking a seemingly fateful plung into the toilet. 

I want to try these food trucks and restos around my new office, but Chipotle.

If you have no fashion talent but insist on being around designer clothes, dry cleaning might be your best career option.

When I was kid, my social network was called "outside".

may offend some folks, but he believes that grown men should not have sequins on their jeans or buttons on their back pockets.

I think I am gonna buy a hummer. But in the back window I will put a sticker that says "I AM NOT COMPENSATING FOR ANYTHING"

If only there were some way to know the Muppet alter ego of every person I know and which city they should living in. Little help, Internet?

When I'm sick I really don't need much, just to be taken care of every waking moment and to be able to constantly complain about how I feel...because I'm sick you guys! My throat hurts and then my body aches and I mean ugh where's my tea?

Beginning to wonder what kind of effect the constant soundtrack of Discovery ID is going to have on Oliver. I don't think it's good.

Thanks google maps, but I was hoping you'd locate a sushi place a liiiittle closer to home.