January 29, 2014

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention



Guy walks into a bar with a duck. Bartender: ˝you can't have a duck in here.˝ Guy: ˝OK, I'll have the bill.˝ He rips the duck's face off.

So, about this Polar Vortex ... There must be something we can do. This is America; has anyone tried shooting guns at it?

You're not fat, you're just.. easier to see.

You know you stayed up too late last night when there are only 3 new posts on your Facebook newsfeed in the morning...

Is it weird that I text with my 68 year old shrink on the regular? I mean, she was asking me today how I would get out of jury duty because she got a notice. Not really positive what it means, or what it says about me, but I'm thinking she's taking life lessons from me. I'm happy to see I can help her fuck the system. She just gets me.

I finally found the downside to a easy commute. The guy who lives less than a mile from the office and drives a Land Rover doesn't get to leave the office early.

Hey, people who go on cruises. Hahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahhahahahhahahaha.

I hate it when people say to me "nice to meet you" before I've even said anything. How do you know it's nice to meet me? I'm an asshole!

Timeline of events: 1. Roland in NE - Polar Vortex awakens and life sucks (but GA is delightful!); 2. Roland moves to ATL - GA now in a state of emergency. Coincidence? I think not.

The Marlboro Man died...of cancer. What a drag. I wish I could filter what I say, but that's just not me.

Attention People of Mass Transit: Let's go with the Giant Puffer Jacket OR the Giant Backpack. This is an "either-or" situation not an "and" situation. Pick ONE.

ESPN stops me outside my apartment to ask if they can get a "girls opinion" & asked who I wanted to win the Super Bowl. I do not think they were quite as amused as I was when I said "The Saints" & how they should do a top chef last chance kitchen type contest to let them secretly swap in on game day bc it's a travesty to not have Drew playing.

Bacon is pretty much the main reason I'm not a vegetarian. That's it for today.

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime.
Give a man religion, he'll die praying for a fish.

I wonder if the boys here realize that I don't want to see their underwear sticking out of their pants about as much as they don't want to see mine.

Bryce Gruber
Jesus: one of the last handy Jewish men