Author's upfront included a quick stroll down memory lane, as he touched upon how it was when men used to court women: open doors, help with coats, have them home by nine; soda shops for first dates, drive-ins for second, "make out point" for third and marriage by fourth. "Our individual quests for love and sex have become as varied and strange as life itself," writes Author. "This was a good and necessary change ... but without any concrete guidelines, how is the novice romantic supposed to navigate these first few dates?"
Well, as you'll see, Author has some really top-notch guidelines to help men be true gentlemen "despite the weird modern reality in which we find ourselves." The following are Author's tips, followed by Zlata's Thoughts in italic. Enjoy.
1. Don't take her out to dinner on the first date: These days, the most popular first date is the weeknight 'getting-a-couple-drinks' date. And, for good reason. It's non-committal, relatively brief by necessity, and the drinks help to calm everybody's nerves. So, don't try to impress with a 4-star restaurant when you barely know the person. This way, you'll keep your wallet intact and she won't feel beholden. Plus, if the sparks don't fly, it's easy to retire the evening early.
1. We don't want you to take us out to dinner on the first date. We're just as nervous as you may be about not hitting off right away. The idea of sitting through a painstakingly grueling dinner with someone who may have poor eating habits, is horribly boring and not at all what we were expecting, is not something we'd like to put ourselves through. Most single ladies (to be sung in tune to Beyonce) I know are NOT just looking for a "free meal." Trust. I have to say, however, sometimes I prefer dinner dates to drinks. I get hammered after about two cocktails, so one can only imagine how interesting a drinks date with me can be.
2. Hug her at the beginning of the date:Breaking down the physical barrier at the beginning of the date makes the rest of the date so much easier. At the beginning of the date, give her a hug, and tell her how delightful she looks. Also, by showing your attraction to her early on, you free her to reciprocate gestures of attraction throughout the date, making it easier for you to judge how well the date is going.
2. Sure, hug us at the beginning of the date: Just don't let it be awkward. I've had plenty the first dates where I was entirely unsure of whether Date was leaning in for a hug, going for a handshake or just plain didn't know HOW to react to my beauty. (JK) As far as telling us how we look, use the word "delightful" and consider the date over. Also, keep the affection on the first date down to a minimum. I once had a date with someone (name and full story withheld) who literally picked me up like a baby/newlywed-about-to-walk-through-the-threshold. I didn't really understand it, per se, but went along with it anyway for some strange reason. Ah yes, it was a drinks date.
3. Look your best: Well, duh. But, a lot of the times when guys try to dress up for a date, they end up wearing something they aren't truly comfortable in. You should dress up a little, sure, but, try to wear something that makes you feel like a million bucks. If you don't have any clothes that make you feel like George Clooney in Ocean's 11, go out and find some.
3. Feel your best: Be yourself. Wearing something that makes you feel like George Clooney in Ocean's 11 is ridiculous for a first date. Save that outfit for our first New Year's Eve together. Honestly. I can understand if you're meeting with a lady right after work, and therefore have your dapper suit on, but we can always tell when you thought extra hard about what tie you think would go best with your shirt.
4. Be a class act: Chivalry may be dead, but she'll like you more if you try to revive it just a little. Open the door for her, pull out her chair, support her on icy sidewalks, etc... Despite the obvious self sufficiency of the modern woman, courtesy is still courtesy. A dash of chivalry shows your attraction and ability to protect and nurture. But, it's important not to take this too far. You don't want to seem old fashion, or as though you're trying real hard to impress. Just be be a good, considerate guy who knows the pleasure of treating a lady as such.
4. Be a class act: Chivalry may be dead, but we'll like you more if you try to revive it just a little. You can open the door for us, can leave out the chair part, but definitely help us out on icy sidewalks since we've taken the liberty of agreeing to a date in such horrible weather conditions (c'mon, heels on ice?) Author, you're right. Men don't want to look like they're trying too hard to impress, but rather be a genuine good and considerate guy. I once went out with this guy who, at an OPEN BAR, didn't offer to get me a drink. True story.
5. Compliment her and others: When you're on a date it's good to toss out a few genuine compliments. But, unless you're Dennis Leary, you probably already knew that... So, let me say that it's a good idea, not only to compliment your date, but to also talk nicely about people that you both know, or people that you've met throughout the night. By projecting kindness towards people that aren't around, you'll show that you tend to see the positive side of things, which is a very attractive characteristic.
5. Zlata's torn on this one: Yes, of course the occasional compliment is nice, but personally, I don't take them too well. I tend to get flustered, smile and blush uncontrollably when a man I like compliments me. Obviously, I end up looking like a total tool. As far as projecting kindness - I mean, if you don't like the people around you, say it. Being an avid people watcher and one who loves to dissect what I think people's thoughts are, I'd rather hear your real thoughts, rather than some bullshit so that I'll think you fakely see the positive side of things. If you're a pessimist, who likes to make fun of people, I want to know that. And laugh at the expense of others right alongside you.
6. Embrace your inner weird: A lot of people tend to go all glossy on dates. Sort of like a job interview, you really just want to seem appealing. This is a mistake. First, you actually become less attractive by paving over what sets you apart... But, more importantly, if you highlight your idiosyncrasies, you've got a better shot of finding a girl that compliments you, and tolerates your obsession with minimalist free jazz.
6. Embrace your inner weird: Totally agree. Granted, I'd save this for a second or third date. Eventually, ladies will get to know the REAL you, but laying it out on the table first date is probably not the best approach. I once went on this date, where Date told me a wayyyyyy TMI. (I don't divulge specifics of my dating life here [yet] because I would feel absolutely horrible if they were to read it) Needless to say, there was no second date.
7. Change your sheets: Be prepared... The Boy Scouts know what they're talking about. When you go out on a date with someone, there is always the possibility that you'll end up back at your place. So, change the sheets, and get rid of any debris that is usually strewn about. If, in the end, the date was totally awkward, at least you've got a clean place to come home to.
7. ALWAYS change your sheets: It's purely disgusting if you don't on a regular basis. That being said, not every girl is going to go home with you. Here's my personal philosophy on these sort of things: If a girl is out with a guy and senses that their may be something more there and that Date is boyfriend material, chances are, she's not going to go home with them. Girls have had to endure enough through college to know that a man won't respect her this way. [Insert Walk of Shame chant here] However, if Date is what I refer to as "Fun Times," then the girl really doesn't see this going anywhere in the long run as far a serious relationship, and wouldn't mind making the best out of the night (given mutual chemistry.) Write that down.
8. Pay for the date: That's right... Beyond it being a kind gesture, offering to pay is a good way to get information on how the date is going. When the check comes, beware if she really does seem to want to pay her share. If she wants to pay, it's because she really doesn't want to feel obligated to you in any way shape or form. But, the single fake-wallet-grab is a good sign. Don't worry, she's gonna let you pay this time... She knows you're going to be eating all the ice cream out of her fridge in about two weeks :)
8. Pay for the date: Look, I actually REALLY do want to split the check when it comes out. I totally feel bad and don't want Date to think I'm a) incapable of paying for myself or b) only out with him for a free night out. That's just not my style. However, I will say this - when a man doesn't accept my money (because sometimes they do,) I definitely think a bit better of him. Please refer to number 4. I also think it's funny that it's like a "thing" to guys regarding the "fake-wallet-grab." I went on a date this weekend, where this was actually refrenced ("Go ahead, you can go for the fake wallet grab like most of you ladies do, but in the end, you know I'm not going to let you pay."). I just thought he was perceptive, but apparently it's a man mantra.
9. Kiss Her: If the first date has gone reasonably well, go for the kiss at some point towards the end. A so-so date that ends with a great kiss can = an awesome date. Sometimes you just gotta get the kiss out of the way before you can really feel comfortable with someone. So, man up and kiss her. Just do it. She'll be glad you did. Hopefully.
9. Kiss me: As we've already established, times are different. We're not going to drive-ins anymore, Grease style. We're weeding one another out left and right trying to find "the one" and kissing style has a large factor for calculating chemistry. I will tell you, though, that kissing is probably where you should keep it at. I went on a date this one time, where in the cab, homeboy starts sucking on my nose. Put my entire nose in his mouth. Sucked on it the whole time he pulled his head back, ending with a kiss on the tip. Full out rhino-fucked. (Again, not really getting into details here, but you catch my drift.)
10. Don't try to sleep with her: Despite the advice from 20 seconds ago (you should still tidy up your place, it's starting to smell a little), having sex on a first date is not a good idea if you think you might want a relationship with the person. Studies have shown that people who have sex on a first date have a lot more trouble developing a good date into a relationship than those who are content delaying gratification. So, even if the date is going really, really well, don't push for the sleep over. After all, it's always nice to have something to look forward to, and, when all is said and done, she'll fancy you a gentleman. (THAT'S WHAT I SAID UP TOP!!!)
10. Don't try to sleep with us on the first date: unless of course, you'd be someone we consider "fun times," and you would know it if that were the case. Personally, well - maybe I won't go personal here, but I will say this is a no-brainer for me. I'm not one to partake in such activities on a first date. One time I went out with this guy who, on our first date, told me he has a king size bed, we wouldn't have to go all the way, but just "get started." Seriously, dude? The date was in the city and after three times of trying to politely decline the offer of staying over, Date actually tried to invite himself back to Hoboken. Not. Happening. Fella.
Hey Author, call me!!
great article! -girl you don't know (so a tip wouldn't help much :) ) Found your page randomly from a websearch
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