Today's TFLN Features

(850): i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
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(603): Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
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(440): made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
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(248): I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
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(954): What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
(904): Both
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(559): Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
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(907): scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
(1-907): 5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
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(905): Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
(1-905): i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
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(225): shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
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(301): you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
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(713): wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
(281): umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
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(253): I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
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(913): is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
(312): you sound like my dream girl
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(904): I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
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(607): I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
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(304): they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
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(918): you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
(1-918): Woah.
(918): that's not how you spell hell yes.
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(203): there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
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(215): I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
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(303): Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
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(845): what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
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(818): i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
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(440): We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
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(770): I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
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(661): I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
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(206): What should our trivia night team be named?
(925): Define Statutory
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(573): she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
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(661): I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
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(985): Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
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(716): it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
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(401): You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
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(415): How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome