May 25, 2010

NY vs. FL Round 6 and 7


Floridians can’t drive.  Actually, even if you’re not from Florida, but you live in Florida, chances are, you’ll stop knowing how to drive.  I’m not even solely targeting the elderly, although they definitely don’t help with this negative stereotype.

There are two things that are different in Florida than in New Jersey, as it relates to driving:

6. Phone calls are NOT illegal. In New Jersey it is against the law to talk on the phone while driving.  Though they have yet to pass a law against texting while driving, I’m sure it’s not far behind.  The thing is, here – people talk on the phone all the time and text as well.  If you want to talk on the phone with a Bluetooth, I’m all for it.  I’m lucky enough to have a car that’s equipped with Bluetooth, so when I talk to someone on the phone, I hear them through my speakers.  That’s how Bluetooth in cars should be.  Like, you should be able to hear a horn honk (not that anyone honks horns here in Florida – yet ANOTHER difference).  Anyway, I digress. 

Florida, if you want to keep talking on the phone legal, that’s all well and good, but you BETTER not have a large record of accidents on file per day.  Guess what? You can’t.  Because guess what? You DO.  Every single day – no joke – I see about three accidents on my way TO work and then again on my way FROM work.  Do you think there’s no correlation?  What’s wrong with you, stupid state?  MAKE TALKING ON THE PHONE ILLEGAL. 

As for texting, back in the day I was a pro at texting and driving because I basically invented T9.  I could text with one hand, while controlling the steering wheel with another.  Well, NOW – with all these Blackberry’s and Touches – people need BOTH hands to text – therein perpetuating the risk of accidents.  OK?  So stay the EFF off your phone unless you’re at a stop light or at a railroad crossing.  Which, perfectly enough, brings me to my next difference.

7. Commuter trains/shmamuter trains.  When you’re stopped at a railroad crossing in New Jersey, chances are you’ll be waiting less than five minutes since it’s most likely a NJ Transit train picking up/dropping off homies.  Well, not here in Florida.  Nope.  If you’re stuck at a railroad crossing, put the car in park and have a Chinese fire drill.  I’ve literally had to sit at a stop for TEN minutes because of a freight train.  That’s a really long time.  And like, a lot of cargo.  While I felt like I was in a deep hypnotized state, I continued to semi-count the cargo and thought, “Holy SHIT – this is seriously like a ten-mile-long stretch.”  It really just blows my mind.