The Real Housewives of New Jersey 3

"Welp, you're a little late," says my friend Danielle Franco. Well, better late than never! Here's my review of last night's Housewives of New Jersey. Again, straight stream of thoughts - no edits. Apologies in advance.

OMG I LOVE NEW JERSEY. K, so Jacqueline's cute with her kids. She is painting shirts with her boys. Did anyone else notice that these were RALPH LAUREN POLO SHIRTS that they were painting on? Not like normally when you just go buy some Hanes T-shirts for such a fete. I can't. Is she CJ one crayon short of the whole Crayola box?

Ok Danielle REALLY bothers me. GET A FRIEND...why are you like discussing your adult drama with your youngest daughter, WHO by the way, GETS it and you don't. Furthermore, as I said last season, you are transparent. You're talking to your daughter in 'key messages'. Meaning, you are saying out loud what you want the audience to think. You're acting. You're whole scene is an act. She asks the daughter "will you hang out while I call Jacqueline?" and the daughter says "I think you want your privacy." No, darling - she doesn't want privacy. Because afterwards, she's going to ask you your thoughts, because she has NO friends and overanalyzes everything and wants to make herself feel better with your answers. But, you're a child. Do you get that your mother is a looney tune? AHHH IM RIGHT! DANIELLE IS ASKING HER DAUGHTER HER OPINION ON WHY JACQUELINE DIDN'T PICK UP. I cannot. So this broad calls Jacqueline BACK to let her know the ball is in her court now because she's made moves. Dude, J doesn't owe you shit. Sure, you may not have had a falling out, but sometimes people just stop liking other people. She just like, doesn't like you anymore. Get over it. It's really just so pathetic. Danielle puts up such a front, but she's really this weak woman. And I CAN'T STAND how she thinks she's SO great because of her daughter modeling. Everyone can see you're more happy for YOURSELF than you are for your daughter.

Hi Dina! Missed you and your pussy...cats. Dina has Lactaid milk! That's what I use. Anyway, they had to google Earl Gray tea to make sure it wasn't going to put Theresa into early labor. Ha.

Dina is a smart woman and Theresa is a bit of an airhead. But really, Theresa jumped on the bandwagon last season when Dina and Carolina said they didn't like her. Realistically, Theresa picked a side and Jacqueline didn't. That's the difference here.

Caroline - you are the VOICE OF REASON. Listen, WRITE A BOOK. You are words of wisdom of this show. Danielle didn't acknowledge the birth of her son and she wants Jacqueline to be her FRIEND?

Wow - the scene with Danielle and her kids was awkkkkkkkward.

Theresa's kids are SPOILED. Wowzers Bajowrzers. I really hope that the store (can't remember the name) thought it was worth the publicity to have her kids runamuck in there. Teehee.

Dina is absolutely awesome. "Having a bad childhood doesn't give you the right to be evil. I mean, Oprah was abused."

Danielle's poor realtor. This poor, poor woman, NO commission is worth dealing with Danielle. Theresa is an airhead! I love it. "Get a job, honey. You're not too pretty to work" - but she meant something along the lines of "you're not that pretty where you don't have to work." Danielle just doesn't want to give her ex-hubs the satisfaction. They're splitting the sale of the house down the middle and she doesn't want to invest anymore of her money to fix up the house, only for her ex-hubs to get half. Like, I get it. But I get his side too. He wants nothing to do with this shit anymore. All of this IN FRONT OF THE KIDS. Danielle is unhappy with having one million dollars? LIke, what's wrong with you?

I love that these Manzo women are genuinely HAPPY for their friends and family. I love those kinds of values. But like, does it come off sort of fake to you guys? Sometimes I'm not sure. Also, Theresa, you're not proving how awesome your marriage is with the amount of times you have sex with your hubs. Am I right or am I right? Is it me or is this THE biggest table and chairs you've ever seen in your lifetime? --Yea, see right there - Caroline said "Good luck with the monsters" - which is sort of a dig on Theresa's kids, right?!

Fashion Week! Ah, New York City! I get that Dina wants to stay away from drama and Danielle - but that's no excuse not to come to your friend's daughter show. Gia causes a scene in the Lincoln Tunnel - but not before she looks up to the camera to see if it's rolling on her face (anyone catch that?) - You're not REALLY sad. Sure, Joe was a little harsh - but didn't Theresa say earlier that's to give them thick skin? Joe is a huge douchebag I think.

DANIELLE STOP BEING. JUST STOP. You're NOT a model. You're not a coach, you're annoying. Your daughter hates you. I actually feel BAD for you. I love Theresa! She's adorb-nation. Three inch heels on the day before you give birth. Badass. Gia did SUCH A GOOD JOB! Joe felt like he had to redeem himself by telling his daughter she's pretty.

Danielle: "Christine to be walking in fashion week is a very big deal to HER."

Translation: "Christine to be walking in fashion week is a very big deal to ME."

Mama, your daughter didn't even realize how big this was until she was there. Did you catch her saying that when you watched the footage tonight?

This show doesn't even have seats. Danielle is OBSESSED with this supermodel idea. She REALLY thinks that this one show her daughter is walking in is going to CHANGE her life. HER life. Not even her daughter's. "She's going to be traveling the world to walk in fashion shows with me by her side. In Milan and Paris..." DUDE - WHAT?! Your daughter is going to drop you like a bad habit. She's going to legally divorce your ass BEFORE she's 18.

When the coach told Christine before that every expression is written on your face, it really gave me insight into my love for people-watching. I love to READ people's faces and try and figure out what they're thinking. So, when they cut to C standing on stage looking weird, I KNEW something was about to go down. You could just see it - so anyway, she gets off stage because she feels like she's going to barf.

Cut to commercial. Cut to Danielle being a biotch.

I can't with her. I don't GET scenes from next week? I'mma SCARED!