June 21, 2010

The Real Housewives of New Jersey 8

I honestly think this show isn't even real.  I don't call it the Real Housewives of New Jersey, but instead Danielle's Delusions.  She's totally CRAZYtimeZ.

So Dina is Done-zo.  We won't be seeing her in any upcoming epiosides - and that's sad.

So Theresa, Caroline and Jacqueline are out to dinner to discuss Dina's departure and sort of recap for their side of the story.  Theresa, get rid of every hat in your closet.  They don't look good on you.  Also, I feel like Caroline Manzo is like the female Tony Soprano of New Jersey.  Thoughts?

Danielle goes to the plastic surgeon to discuss her three-time boob job-bad job.  Apparently, the prior botched boob jobs left Danielle with less than supple results.  Not sure how she has the money for a fourth, but no matter - she's sure that this can "be the beginning for me. Of feeling a little more comfortable with myself again. To still feel desirable."  Newsflash Danielle - regardless of your boobs, you'll never "feel" desirable because you have incredibly low self esteem.  Go make an appointment with Dr. Phil and call me.

Lauren's lost a lot of weight since last season, just like her mother.  Caroline, why are you saying that Albie is in law school?  I heard through the grapevine that he dropped out?!

Ashley pays a visit to Jacqueline.  Chris and Jacqueline scold Ashley for her behavior.  They should be scolding her for the hats she wears.  Ashley says she wants to come home, but obviously she doesn't want to follow the rules set forth by her parents.  She also admits to losing her temper at the poker game and says she's feels stupid and balblabla.  The girl is 18.  Of course it's going to be like this between mother and daughter.

Teresa, who has a slight speech impediment, invites Elvira over to her house.  Elvira is a party planner, who will be helping with Teresa and Joe's housewarming affair.  Elvira is shocked when she learns that Teresa has no help around the house with cooking, cleaning and watching over the kids.  She tells Teresa to "get help" - though not in a confrontational way.  Teresa, to the camera, says "Elvira. I'm old-school.  So go scratch."  Ha!  I'm PROUD of Teresa!
The confrontation between Teresa and Elvria is too much!  Elvira is shocked T doesn't have a pool and asks why?  T responds, "Um, because I have a beach house [pause] thank you."  So then E goes on about how she has a beach house AND a pool - and that's why T should get help on the side.  I mean, IT'S TOO MUCH. WE HAVE A WAR GOING ON - AND THIS is what people argue about?  Elvira talked WAY too much and Teresa LITERALLY closed the door in her face on the way out!  HAHA.

Ashley is home with her parents to negotiate their ground rules.  During the week, she gets to 1am and on the weekends, 2am.  I can't get into my thoughts on the parent-child relationship here. I just can't.

So Caroline goes to visit her son at college, where he tells her he's been struggling at school.  Apparently, he has had a learning disability since junior high.  It takes him three times the normal time to finish reading a paragraph or some shit.  Dude, who DOESN'T have a "learning disability" and what's "normal" ???  I hate this shit.  I probably also have a "learning disability" because I can't concentrate on something longer than like 20 minutes.  In this scene, Albie looks like a little boy to me.  The school says  something about him needing to rethink law school because of his learning disability and he tells Caroline that he feels worthless.  THIS next minute is true love between a mother and her son.  She cries when she hears him say that.  I'm like borderline tears right now.  I FUCKING LOVE CAROLINE.
"That's all I got."

J and T went to Porche to go shopping.  Clothes, not cars.  Kim D's shop.  Kim is sort of sticking up for herself and for Danielle - she doesn't want any drama either, but I dunno if I buy it.  Actually, her scene bothers me. Where's Danielle?!?!!?

Ah, here we are - the plastic surgeon.  Danielle's boobs are being taken out and then put back in.  Danielle is slepeing now with deformed boobs on the table.  I can't.  WHAT ARE WE WATCHING?  Also, please note that Danielle is getting her boobs done at Wayne Surgical Center, which doesn't look anything like a hospital-grade clean place.  In fact, the building has to change the light bulbs outside on their sign.

Albert and Caroline are the best parents I've seen on TV in a while.  I'll be honest about that.  I feel bad for Albie right now. He's demotivated right now.  Albie - "CALL ME!!!!"

Elvira needs to kiss my ass.  She's so fucking annoying.  NO ONE is going to hire her after seeing this episode.  Sorry girl.  Also, have you ever seen a housewarming party like this?  What's like going on?

Back at Wayne Surgical Center, Danielle is released and I hate her more.    She is like using her kids to feel loved basically.  I hate her.  She's like "I know I have a nurse here for 24 hours, but I'm going to need you to do all that you can do."

Did anyone happen to catch the massive mirror in Joe and Teresa's room?  I mean, WHAT?  Teresa's house is completely awesome.  It's totes gonna be the talk of the town!  Dance floor, red carpet, Hollywood baby - HOLLYWOOD!  Why are there breakdancers? And flamethrowers?  I can't.
So Teresa takes the mic and calls up Jacquline and Caroline to the stage to just say thank you and pledge her love for the two chickies. Kim D, drunk as fuck, goes up to T on her mic and thanks her for the invitation.  Now, since she's standing on the stage, Teresa has no choice but to like, introduce Kim D to the people.  It's just an awkward moment all around.  How is Kim D not embarrassed??? She's WASTED!!!!!!  She is literally in Teresa's face thanking her for the invite.  Kim D - you like WEREN'T EVEN REALLY INVITED.  DON'T COME TO A PARTY LIKE THAT!  It's like, who wants to be invited to something as an afterthought???  That's just the worst.  So, instead of making a tool out of yourself at Club Hollywood in Jersey, you'd have been better off staying at home with your lines of coke and hits of xanex.  K?  Thank about that next time you decide to step out of the house.

Caroline thinks that Danielle is like parsley: everywhere.  Tah ha.  Caroline puts the kabash on any "Danielle" talks between Kim D and Ashley, since there was some engaging going on.  Then, Kim G pulls Caroline aside to tell her that she thinks Jacqueline is obsessed with Danielle.  HOnestly, I would have already bugged out - but Caroline keeps her composure, like the WOMAN that she is, and says that this is Teresa's night and she wants no conversation about Danielle right now.  Kim G needs to go hug her grandchildren.  GO HOME YA OLD BAG!

I want to watch the aftershow right now because Danielle, who looks like my recycled plastics, is going to be on with Andy.

Here I go!