April 11, 2014

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention

You people made me laugh today:

WARNING: This film MAY contain foul language and sexually explicit content. Um... it either does or it doesn’t, don’t waste my fucking time.

I am having trouble reconciling how I feel about people who do not believe in evolution and that the Earth orbits the sun.

"Yeah, you don't know because you don't have kids." There's LOTS of things you don't know because you're not me and you haven't had my specific life expericnes but I don't walk around with a pompous attitude about it.

I watch Maury to feel good about my marriage. I watch Hoarders to feel good about my cleaning habits. I watch Doomsday Preppers to feel good about my sanity. Something is wrong with me....

Who raised these people who offer to take me "out" for drinks or dinner and then suggest we do it at the hotel I work at? That's not taking me out - that's meeting me at work. Besides the fact that I can tell they're doing it because they think if I drink and eat at my hotel it's free. It's not.

People who run in place at intersections: We Get It.

When the hell did Cedric the Entertainer become the host of Who wants to be a Millionaire?

I'm not invited to my Aunt's for Passover this year. Assuming it's because last year I was about halfway through my second gefilte fish before I realized everyone at the table had been praying for like ten minutes.‪#‎FuckYOUauntYETTAyourNEWhusbandLIKEScock‬

i don't understand how women can still pee all over the toilet. I mean there are covers ladies. Do you not see them? Have you ever looked at a toilet? its ginormous and there is a lot of room to hit your mark I promise. I find it utterly repugnant. I am just going to keep blaming Dinah Shore weekend