June 18, 2014

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention

You people make me laugh:

Do you know what's a great diet strategy? Going off and then back on birth control in the same month. Because I'm not at all hormonal or fantasizing about diving face first into a pool of chocolate. Nope. I'm, of course, completely rational and craving carrots and celery.‪#‎Iwillkillyouforacookie‬ ‪#‎IwishIwasjoking‬

If you pitch me an author and tell me she's "this generation's Judy Blume" you are setting your client to a VERY high standard.

Sometimes I like to crush and snort the first pill on the pharmacy counter just to see people's reactions. ‪#‎makingmoments‬

And so it has begun. Everyone is already complaining about the heat, and it's not even officially summer. Do you not remember the winter we just had, people!

I'm pretty sure my cable company (Time Warner) changes the channel line-up at the exact time I have finally memorized it just to fuck with me.

I wish I loved anything as much as weathermen love reminding us it's not officially summer yet. We got it.

Dear self: please be more vigilant in checking the weather so that you are not forced to install a window unit air conditioner by yourself at 10:30 at night, thus allowing in a huge, hissing, unidentifiable (now missing in your bedroom) insect.
Air conditioning in...Jackie out until bug is captured and adequately squashed.

Traci Coulter I'm in an uber and he seems super rapey. But, I'm okay with that. That's the difference between me and you.

That you, Harry Styles?