July 25, 2014

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention

I'm so Old Tappan, I didn't know where the nearest bus stop was.

Cooking beets, while wearing a white shirt. ‪#‎livingontheedge‬

Boyfriend: Babe, why is my bottle of Whiskey half empty?
Me: Um... because you're a pessimist?

There should be a mandatory walking test before you're allowed to buy shoes. If you can't walk in them, DON'T WEAR THEM. ‪#‎endrant‬

It's weird. People in DC don't look down to email/text on their iPhones while walking to work. I feel like such a New Yorker.

I'm about to download this Kim Kardashian game. So there's that...

Laura Swain feeling annoyed
1 hr · 
I'd like to meet the person who thought to use velcro on baby bibs so I can slap them.

Somebody please make a car with built-in massage chair seats.‪#‎milliondollaridea‬

If you have some time to kill here's a really fun suggestion. Get on a train in Penn Station and transfer in Secaucus. But when you transfer, be unsure about where the next train is, rush down to the platform and when the conductor sees you're frantic blurt out your TOWN, not your STATION. Get on wrong train. Have train drop you off over 1mile from your home, just as lightening and thunder and RAIN start to kick in. Walk home in the rain. Make yourself a double vodka soda with lemon when you get home and kiss your dog hello.

Weird dream alert.
Last night I had a dream in which I was crying because people had the wrong impression of me and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were there to comfort me. While I hid my face into a pillow and sobbed, Brad held my hand and stroked it with his thumb as Angelina gingerly smoothed my hair...